My mind is so full of thoughts. Wonderings, fears, what ifs. So many thoughts running round - I feel like I can't get them out in a way that will make any sense.
I feel a pouring out of thoughts about to take place.
I think about deleting this whole thing in its babbling.
I decide to hope that you will understand my pondering thoughts chatter.
I walk carefully through the garden, the place I love so much…
The flower gardens are in front, the veggie gardens out back.
Stepping back into my life.
That is what first comes to mind.
I feel like I am stepping slowly back into my life after 5 days of a sort of strange and scary turmoil.
And, a whole bucket of unknowns as to what put me there.
Then I feel so scared.
Scared to eat this, or touch that.
Scared that something is biting me in my sleep.
Scared to go near tomato vines or parsley.
Blaming the tomato vines.
Blaming the tomatoes a whole lot.
Remembering that I had itchy hives on my arms last year (for about an hour) after being deep in the tomatoes and parsley.
This year I had practically rolled in the tomato vines the day this all began.
It was 104 degrees, and I had worked in the garden for 6 hours.
Oh, so many beautiful tomato vines I grew.
The scent.
Bewitching.
Starting them inside in winter.
Loving them.
Then…
Scared yesterday when I read about their toxicity in leaves and stems, wondering why I never knew?
Not knowing what to do about the veggie garden in case it was the tomatoes.
Feeling guilty for accusing them.
Mister Lovee taking over the garden chores for me for a few days.
Finding his way in my veggie jungle.
Me watching from my bedroom window.
Scared to be as free as I was.
I create analogies in my mind…
Such as, trying to swim in a dark ocean after being bitten by a shark.
Getting back in the water, so to speak.
How do you get back in?
I feel safer in the front yard with the flowers.
But, dun dun dun, what if it was one of them?
Who was the culprit I wonder?
Who can I trust?
These are the thoughts plaguing me right now.
I felt so much better yesterday, finished up orders…
And then 3 a.m. last night, hives again.
Sigh….
I sat up worried about everything.
I took a new hive pill and waited in the darkness for it to kick in.
So happy I figured out that the Benadryl was making me worse.
Doesn't night time seem like a more worrisome time?
I wondered how many people were feeling like I was feeling?
Not just about having had a scary health thing…
But worrying about other things.
The steroids I am on (to keep the anaphylactic shock at bay) made me feel so sad yesterday.
They are said to do that.
And I thought, is this what depression feels like?
A heavy dark cloud?
A dense darkness in the pit of my being?
I had not felt like that since I was 19 or 20.
I thought, yes, this is what depression feels like.
A drowning.
I was glad it subsided as the pills faded for the day.
But I felt a vast overwhelming feeling, for anyone dealing with that on a daily basis.
That kind of sadness.
I am so glad to be done with those pills in 3 days.
I had collected so many pictures to share in different posts.
Then almost a week went by, or maybe more?
So now, I chose just a bevy of those that made me happy.
When things like this happen you realize how fragile life is.
How we truly have no control.
How one minute things can change in ways we could not imagine.
And then, they can get fixed too.
The words, living in the moment, become less of an everyday saying and more of a monumental reality – a sort of truth or fact that seems bigger than can be understood.
A need.
And then….
I get lighter.
Happy again.
Heavy thoughts subside….
I tell myself it will all be over soon.
I can't find a hive on me.
I hope they are gone.
I devour your words, sending gobs of love back.
Feeling like I know you.
And you know me.
In some deeper and kinder and more understanding way, than the everyday.
Does that even make sense?
I don't want to be afraid of my garden.
I have adored sharing baskets of goodies with everyone I can…
The wonderful satisfaction of pulling big carrots out of the earth.
The sound they make as they plop out of the soil.
Schhhllloooop, followed by the sound of the click of the tongue on the palate.
Giant and plentiful cabbages…
Enough for everyone I know who likes them, to have many each week.
Cabbage rolls…
Eating what you grow….
Without fear.
Sending bits and bobs home with sis too.
Herbs pouring in…
The basil, the dill, flat leaf parsley, thyme, and more…
The strawberries and beans and all sorts of onions and beets and cucumbers and 4 types of lettuce, and all sorts of peppers too…
Corn and sunflowers, other flowers too.
Companion planting, planning, and then the growing.
Getting up at 5 a.m. to tend.
Feeling gloriously happy.
Happiness abound…
And oh, so many tomato vines…
And the pumpkin patch.
And then…
Just like that…
I feel overwhelmed.
Because I feel afraid.
Afraid of my own garden.
And, I don't want to feel afraid.
But I never want to experience Saturday night's events again.
So, what to do?
What to do, I ponder.
What is the saying?
The greatest thing to fear is fear itself?
Boy, is that ever true?
A glimpse of Miles and Minnie make me feel better.
Big deep breaths……..
I kept a measure of sanity through this because of shop orders.
Something to do, to keep your mind at bay.
I filled orders, so happy and grateful to send art out.
Making sure everyone got what they wanted, with extras too….
Thank you so much.
(all orders have been shipped)
I feel happy and lucky to know you.
To have this space where we can meet.
I look outside my office door.
I smile at the hollyhocks, and then I wonder…
Was it you?
I feel strange and odd in my own world.
I guess I have to just get over it.
Somehow.
Grow some wings quick.
Or maybe, not so quick.
Maybe I should just stay inside and paint.
The flower garden has really been something this season…
Breathtaking in its magic.
The magic of seeds.
Larkspur and mountain garland, godetia and well, every wildflower that was labeled on the giant fall planting package from American Meadows…
I love my garden so much.
In some strange fairy tale way I wonder, if I loved it too much?
Then I think, no silly.
Don't be all melodramatic.
You had an allergic reaction that was way scary, but you are getting better, it will go away soon.
Hopefully.
And then, on with life as it was.
Fingers crossed it never happens again.
Then I tell myself, chin up, move on, hop to it.
Then I spot a hive or two or three, or more.
And then I feel sad and scared again.
I guess it's normal, to feel this way?
At this moment?
The unknown doesn't help, does it?
Not having your health, either physically or mentally is scary and exhausting and dark and strange.
And I just want to say that, deep in my heart, I know there are lots of people who are not in the best place in health or mind, and I feel for you. I really really deeply feel for you.
And I get it.
I do.
I don't know what the solution is.
Except for hope and faith….
And a hug.
Maybe popcorn and laughter too.
Maybe just knowing, you are there and I am here.
Right now, with you.
🖤
So beautifully said, Vanessa. This ambivalence is something I know well. I feel scared and vulnerable and to escape I calm down inside, settle deeply, find my center and the joy that then ensues is overwhelming: the world IS beautiful, life IS amazing, in the Grand Scheme of things of course there is nothing to fear… And then I forget and the cycle ensues.
But I do believe that the joy, the confidence and love is the truth. The fear is a temporary illusion, a scary one albeit.
Much love to you. Hang in there. I hope the fear loosens its grip on you soon.
I’m one of those silent followers, one of the ones who reads regularly but never pops in to say “hello” or “thank you” or “So beautiful!” However, I thought I would now because maybe I can contribute something that might help, maybe not, but it’s worth putting out there. I know more than a little about allergies since my son is seemingly allergic to the world, particularly all grasses & trees, bees, some foods, and of all things catepillars. I’ve spent more than my share of hours in the ER, while my son, blinded by swollen eyes and driven to the edge of madness by hives, sat and screamed until the meds kicked in…he’s grown now but there are still things we have to avoid. Here’s my thoughts for you based on my experiences: make sure you have changed your sheets & pillowcases and completely washed anything you were wearing when you became ill. When my son was about 8 or 9, he was walking home from school and one of those very fuzzy catepillars fell on him from a tree. By the time he got home, he was covered in hives. Off to the ER we went. I washed the shirt he had been wearing and he put it back on about a week later. Off we went to the ER again! Some hairs from the catepillar (which are the irritating part) were imbedded in the fabric and caused his symptoms all over again (We found the hairs under a microscope.) If he is exposed to cut grass (guaranteed to make him swell up), I make him strip down and put on all fresh clothes before he goes anywhere near his bedroom so that place where he spends the most time stays as clean as possible. If you became sick from something you touched, that allergen can cling to stuff around you and start the process all over again. (It sounds like the evenings are when things keep cropping up for you so that’s why I wondered about your bed linens.) If it was something you ate, then this will be completely unhelpful. I’m sorry you’re feeling so afraid; allergic reactions are terrifying (I have a life/death allergy to shrimp that I discovered the hard way so I know your pain.) You’ve spent more happy time than not out in your garden so I’m confident you’ll find happy times there again. Sorry this was so long but I felt like piping up…
Take care…
Was very sorry to read your previous post, “scary” doesn’t even begin to describe what you must have been going through. Very thankful to see you on the other end of that mess. I would encourage you to not let fear win, which is of course easy for me to say and possibly easier said than done. You’ve had many wonderful years doing the things you love and I would hate to see you not be able to continue doing those things free of fear. We cannot always live with reckless abandon, but hopefully can live with wisdom combined with a little reckless abandon. 🙂
I wish you a return to fearless bliss for this coming summer season.
You will find your happiness again, Sweet Vanessa, I am sure of it…
…but, until you are sure of it, too…please know we are all here with you…reading your words….and wishing you well!
I’ll be sending lots of hugs and gratitude to you with healthy doses of encouragement and sunshine…
This too shall pass 🙂
Dear Vanessa, I can feel your stress and fear and I too understand that life is a blink of an eye. Making choices can be so hard when you don’t have all the answers. I am feeling quit that way as my whole family has had some major changes and I know things will never be the same.
In my heart I feel that your place is in your garden and art world with Mr. L. I feel you have made the world a better place because of all you have accomplished. Maybe a step back from the garden for a bit and some sleuthing with backtracking and looking for something different that you did from your days past may lead you to discover traces of something that could possibly solve this mystery.
By the way, you know you are a fine writer and you intrigue me with your stories and words and maybe changing hats for awhile as you recoup is not the worst thing in the world. Could possibly family and friends help out like Mr. Lovee has, in your garden tending perhaps? I have to say, in my yard I have had some different ant critters this year and I have been bitten and acquired some nasty welts on my feet for days. It seemed strange that you and Matty both got sick so close to each other and makes me wonder, do you have something in common. Matty has been on your grounds ever since you expanded your gardening endeavors and has not had this occur before either? Have you used any new fertilizers or bug repellants inside or out? What about the pups and anything they have had on their fur, anything different? Sorry, I am babbling because I just sooo want to fix this for you Ssoooo BADLY!!!! Be patient my Friend and try not to go tooo crazy with thoughts. Keep posting to let out your frustrations ONLY if it is helping. I continue to keep you in my prayers.<3
Vanessa:
Can your doctor do any specific allergy tests to get an idea of what you might be allergic to? I can’t imagine you not being able to freely work in your garden.
I am one of those folks you talked about in this post…one of those people that are afflicted with deep sadness and fear and depression. My garden, my kids and my art are the things that get me through the darkness. Your garden is part of your light and life. There has to be an explanation. It can’t be a mystery.
I am so worried about you and I want you to be safe. I also want you to be happy. Safe and happy! That’s the perfect combination.
xoxo
Kim
Gerushia’s New World
hi Vanessa 🙂
The deep fear will ease, you love your garden so so much, you will gradually emerge and enjoy it again.
A couple of years ago I started getting severe abdominal pains, at one point the pain was so bad I thought, this is it my time it up, I was so scared. I went to the hospital when the pain has eased down enough and they gave me a load of pills and and apointment for an ultrasound. Turns out I have gallstones, which is bad enough, but what must have happened is one had moved to my pancreas. Well I looked it up and it can be very serious.
I was so scared to eat, what if it set off a gallstone attack and another stone moved where it shouldn’t. I lost weight as I didn’t dare eat, what I would eat was very small amounts of fruit. THis went on for a couple of weeks till I started eating reasonably healthily again. But gradually you get over it, time really does heal. I love food, I love to cook, I love to make wonderful dishes with the veg we grow, and I WONT let fear stop me from doing what I love 🙂
hugs, mel x
So scary when things happen out of the blue like that! I’ve got a weird health thing at the moment too, that I’m unsure about. At least it is not as frightening as your experience! Although, after reading the last entry by Mel, maybe it’s gallstones that I have – I will look further into this.
Although you can’t go there right now, I have to say your garden is amazing and you have created a beautiful place!
Take care, and I hope this all goes away soon.
Much love, Wendy xx
Un couple d’années, j’ai commencé à avoir des douleurs abdominales sévères, à un moment donné, la douleur était tellement mauvais que je pensais, c’est là qu’il faut que je m’en fois en haut, j’ai eu si peur. Je suis allé à l’hôpital quand la douleur s’est atténuée vers le bas assez et ils m’ont donné une charge de pilules et de rendez-vous et pour une échographie. Il s’avère que j’ai des calculs biliaires, ce qui est assez mauvais, mais ce qui s’était passé est l’un avait déménagé à mon pancréas. Eh bien, je l’ai cherché et il peut être très grave.
J’ai eu de mauvaises réactions allergiques, mais jamais à ce degré. Je peux seulement imaginer combien effrayant qui était pour vous.
I would imagine you are a bit wary of just jumping back in when something caused you a bad allergic reaction. Just know that it will fade over time and then you will be back in your beloved gardens. I am still sending you healthy recovering thoughts and hugs. 🙂
Hope you feel better soon Vanessa, I totally understand the fright you must go through at the moment.
I myself have gone through many years with the feeling that my body and health was falling apart, and last week they found out that I have Fibromyalgia. Even if it`s not something I`m happy about having, it`s so lovely to finally know why I`m so sleepy and tired now and then, why my body is in constantly pain, why my brain forget words and stuff all the time, and why my stomach react on everything I eat. I`m okay with having Fibromyalgia, because I now have an answer, and I`m ready to move on with my life. I feel lucky because it could have been so much worse, but it has been a long process for me in so many ways.
Hopefully you will have your own answers soon too *big hug*
I had no idea that tomato vines were toxic. Can you have some allergy testing done? I think if you knew who the culprit was, it would do a great deal to alleviate your fears. Depression is it’s own kind of hell on earth, and I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am sending tons of prayers, love, and good thoughts your way. You are a such a ray of sunshine, and I know you will find your way back!
XO,
Lisa
*Throws Vanessa a rope* Yes, nighttime is the worst…so try counting sheep and fall asleep. Things are always brighter in the sunshine 🙂 Hopefully, you’ll be able to find an allergist who can solve this horrible mystery. When that dark bully of worry tries to take control…nip it in the bud and show it who’s in control…you are! And remember….there are so many people pulling for you, and praying for you…lots of love being sent your way. Hang in there.
sigh, little darling, prayers for YOU from West Virginia….life is sometimes sooOOOOo hard but yes, we must have hope and faith
Keep reaching out dear one, YOU may touch someone who really needs a friend, thank YOU for all those sweet pics, that’s spreading joy,joy,joy down in our hearts…..when I come to visit(your Blog) I know there will be always sweetness! Did YOU watch “Dogs In The City?” hehe soOOOo cute, gentle care of yourself
So many of us love you and wish for you to be well and happy again. Fear of the unknown and feeling a lack of control will definitely make anybody feel uneasy and depressed. I hope your allergist will be able to do some testing and find what caused this. Has your doctor mentioned allergy tests? Can you recall all your meals that day? That would help you a great deal. My friend’s daughter has a peanut allergy and it was hell for many years especially when she went to school. Loss of control. Dear Vanessa, I know you belong in your beautiful garden. Please ask your doctor about testing – although I’d be surprised if they hadn’t already mentioned it. I hope you can feel the hugs and prayers from all of us who care very deeply for you, Mr. Lovee and your boys!
Hi, I am secret follower for years now, but had to post to let you know that I understand how you feal. I had endless surgeries and injections, treatments on my back…..it is scary and each time you wonder, “will this work, will I get relief?” Today I face another injection of a different kind and I am not very optimistic. I want to feel free to do what I want to do, see the people I want to see, serve my family the way that I should. I guess, be glad that I can do many things but I feel too young to be bound to bed or a chair hurting all the time with no relief. I believe in the Bible and it says to not fear but it is human nature. I hope that you find the answer to your problem and stay on top of the hives. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. Thank you foe sharing. You have a gift of writing and your beautiful flowers brighten my day!
Fear isn’t fun, but it’s absolutely natural. Let your inner Sherlock Holmes continue to work, deducing what might have been responsible for kicking your self-preservation alarm on so abruptly. Tranquility will return once you feel like you have some answers.
And oh yes, the hugs. The hugs definately help you AND the people who love you who were scared too.
Vanessa i can totally understand your fear of going back in the garden. You’ve received some wonderful advice here. 🙂 I don’t know what i could possibly add. Other than my well wishes.
I was wondering though….do you grow lantana? We had that at the garden center where i worked a few years ago and i know many people were allergic to it and could not touch it. My arms would become irritated where it touched me but all i had to do was go wash and it calmed down. Hives can be stressed induced too. Have you had a stressful time lately before all the hives began that is? Hugs Vannessa!
Dearest sweet Vanessa, do not fear, for He is with you always. He holds your life in His hands, He knows the number of hairs on your head, He knows the days He has for you from the first breath you breathed. He is watching over you and loves you more deeply than you know. He is there to call out to and has placed each and every tear you’ve ever cried into a bottle. He is intimately acquainted with your dreams, desires, hopes, and fears.
Rest in His love and heal.
I am praying for you Dearest Sweetest Fanciful Friendling. Much love to you, Cori
I am so sorry this happened to you. You are such a beam of light to this world, to all of us, and to those closest to you at home. That does not fade so quickly. You will find it even in the darkest corners of life, even when nasty things like side effects from medication have you all topsy turvy.
Many of us have been there. It is very unfortunate that you’ve lost trust and security in your garden. It will return again. I am certain of that.
You will feel safe again in your own space, surrounded with your flowers and plants. And you know what? Something tells me you ought to avoid those tomatoes. Allergic reactions tend to get worse for some reason. I for one only had a couple of rashes in my life, now this Summer everytime I go in the sun I get a severe rash and sun poisoning. I do wish I could be normal, and live in the sun like others.
So I think we can all relate to you. It’s scary, but it will pass and your garden can be your haven again 🙂
Lots of love to you,
Jenn
Hey Vanessa, I’ve just discovered your blog and I love love love it! Such beautiful artwork, photographs and words. I am a creative 30 something country girl like you, living in deepest rural Devon England. My blog is http://www.idlebakes.blogspot.co.uk I just blog baking recipe using own home grown fruit and herbs at present but your blog is inspiring me to start showing my art too! Wishing you a speedy recovery, get well soon. Emalina
I so hope you figure out what is causing it Sweet V so that you can get out and do all the things you love to do. I’ve been sick for a week…and I’m never sick…so I understand how your thoughts wander to negative concerns. I feel so much better today and I can’t wait to get out and do my favorite things…or cook! lol We really appreciate our health when it returns. I’m hoping and praying you won’t have any more bad reactions. I don’t want you to ever feel scared again! Sending hugs…your buddy, Diane
There is a God ~ just look at your cabbage! Your vegetables are a still life of wonderment. I’ve been peeking in to see how you are and every day clicked on one of your older posts…..”Simple Things” really touched my heart ~
My engineer & chemist husband (Mr. Analytical) has an idea on what caused your reaction. If you spray leaves with soapy water, the oils are concentrated & especially the toxic ones. Could any of the water dripped on you? When my daughter was a baby, she had tiny bumps (bites) on her in the morning. I bought a new crib mattress, cleaned everything, and still bites. We unscrewed all the electrical socket covers off & spiders were living in there!!!!!!! I’m still wondering if you were bitten by a poisonous spider……
Your flowers are a reflection of you…..pure light. They are saying, “we didn’t do it!”
Poor Miss V. I am so sorry for you. I do not have any similar stories to share I just wanted to send more good wishes for you to get better. I feel like I am sure it isn’t the garden’s fault though. I mean you have had it all this time and been working in it so much and this only just happened now! But maybe stay out of getting deep into the tomatoes, just to be safe. 🙂
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Like many of your readers, I so enjoy your beautiful gardens and your magic touch. Hoping you can figure out what caused the problem. I’m not sure if you wear gloves while gardening, but that might help ease your fear some. Maybe you could get one of those beekeeper hats! Mentioning what a previous commenter said, did you check your body for bites of any kind? It seems to me if you’ve spent time with all those flowers/veggies in the past and didn’t have a problem, then maybe a pest is what caused it.
Dear Vanessa,
I definitely understand your fear. I had two health scares this past February, both of which required surgery and a three day hospital stay. I was a nervous wreck with fear of the unknown for at least 6 weeks. It was a very dark time for me, but, I emerged better and now well, and so will you. I have a friend whose husband nearly died of an allergic reaction, but, they never figured out what triggered it. Thankfully, it has never recurred, but he keeps his Epi pen nearby always. I would seek the help of an allergist if I were you. I also, have a hard time with the fact that you have always done so much gardening, so, something had to be different…I would really try to get back to your gardening without fear. I would wear gloves and long sleeves, though. When I pick my vegetables, my arms always start itching from the leaves. I always wear gloves and long sleeves as I harvest my veggies.
I hate the thought of dear you, being depressed. Your words, photos, and stories have cheered me up numerous times. This winter when I was worried about my health, your blog really helped me – and now it is you, that needs to be cheered up. I wish you all the very best and do hope you are able to solve this mystery and calm your fears. I will keep you in my prayers and will hope for the day you can tell us all what the culprit was. I too doubt it was any of your flowers. Have you thought hard about what you ate that day? Shellfish? Anything like that known for allergies? Peanuts? I truly hope you figure this out! In the meantime, keep your chin up. You are such a gift and I hope you feel better very soon. Be happy! I’m glad you have Mr. Lovee, Miles, and Matty!
Hugs,
Ann
Love seeing the picture of the pile of orders waiting to go out, knowing that one of them is mine! 🙂 So excited to get my prints, to hang in my new little house, my own house after my recent separation. Something beautiful to help keep me smiling through my sad time. I’m glad you are feeling better, best wishes that you are back to 100% very soon.
Elizabeth
Oh dear me, I do hope your better miss twist! I too have a million and one fears and concerns (though they are, admittedly, unfounded a great deal of the time….thankfully, I suppose….thought I wish I could simply be brave and not worry and fret ever so as I oft do…..alas). I can remember being a wee one in the garden being stung my a bee……my father pressed a tomato leaf onto the sting…..I know they are toxic, the leaves…..nightshade family I believe?? In any case, I’m sure they do make me come out in hives if I get into them too much gardening….as does grass and even just the heat…..I do hope all is better soon Dearie!!!!
Oh dear Vanessa, so sorry to hear of your health troubles! To get over fears, which can be very real and scary, perhaps just focus bit by bit on what you love. Whenever a fear arises, think of things that make you smile, and just take gentle steps back toward those things. I hope that helps. It helps me when I get into worry mode. Sending you fae blessings and joyful vibes, and sunshine.
Blessings,
Nikki aka Starcat
Thinking of you and sending ~Get Well Soon~ wishes your way!
Praying for you Vanessa – peace of mind and heart and health in body and spirit.
Hugs and Blessings to you and yours!
Popping in to check on you ~ ..and there you are. As I view the pictures of the flowers…..garden… Miles…..they are sweet~ serene…..peaceful..then~ here and there in between the pictures is a dusting of much worry. Telling someone to not worry is easier said that done. Have you ever heard this quote? …
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” (CTBloom)
I am the worlds biggest worrywart ..as I am trying very hard to loose that crown.
Depression can make your body ache. Been there..done that..on occasion still do it. *sighs*.
Sometimes life or a particular thing going on in our life can be so draining….and you know what, it does zap your strength. Sometimes I get soooo sleepy while involved in deep worry or anxiety. I think that must be the body and minds way of shutting down as a defense mechanism. . So~ having said all of that.. I’m just letting you know that we all do worry..so don’t feel alone..((hugs))
However.. we need to learn and work toward not worrying. The mind is the strongest source in our body~ whether we are being creative, happy, etc…..or worrying…… worrying about hives..could bring them on~ …the mind can also be a healing agent. It is all in the way you let it work its magic.
Soo if it were me…I would hold my chin way up and begin my mission…you’ve got a job to do V. Use any negative feelings and thoughts and turn them into a positive working job.
I would deduce everything that led up to that day..and the day of…Retrace your steps on what you ate, what you touched…what you were smelling. what you wore…etc….. So~ ..then, I would do an extensive allergy test..They are costly, but, you can’t put a price on your life..
. the test are involved…I would get the test started immediately. Again, just deducing what you can in order to put this puzzle together. Some pieces are missing and you just have to search until you find them,.
All the while, don’t be scared to look for the pieces. be cautious, but not scared.
One day you will look back on this and maybe reflect on it in a story..Remember when I had hives??!?! . (((hope your’re smiling)))
Well I guess I could just write to you all day.. But~ for now I will go. its comforting to know you are on the path of recovery….that’s a good path Vanessa 🙂
And such a wonderful Mister you have.. tell him we all appreciate him~ for he is a good, caring man~!!
Off I go.. So today I leave you a tattered yet priceless book of poetry that I found in an Antique store.. Read and calm the mind..a basket of remedies that may help with anxiety..
air whipped peppermint candies, chamomile mesh purses ready for a tea cup…and a bouquet of dried yet fragrant lavender all tied in a ribbon of old lace that was actually inside the poetry book..
Enjoy, relax, and most important, just Live. Don’t be afraid to… go forward, not backward~ ..
Kimberly~
I am reading this post kind of dumb-founded, Vanessa. After what my sister has been through with her Lyme Disease, I can totally relate to what you are going through. When she first contracted it I told her (out of the blue) to soak in a hot bath with baking soda. Little did I know that this was EXACTLY what would soothe her body. She is a nurse and did extensive research on the disease and said when she was in the hot bathtub, she could imagine how Whitney Houston would have been able to ‘just let go’ (as my sister’s Lyme Disease was diagnosed around the time of Whitney’s passing). Sad stuff! The health profession is finding more health benefits for regular baking soda (I use Arm and Hammer). Even for stings or rashes it helps to get rid of fungus eruptions. My sister regularly takes her hot baths with the baking soda, and she is STILL on antibiotics since November 2011, for the Lyme.
I personally hate taking antibiotics but they do help at first…I was taking Bactrim and couldn’t finish the last pill (a ten day regime) last October for an abcessed tooth. Then I read the fine print on the drug warning and it said ‘may cause a secondary infection, a mutiplication of a more serious bacterial infection.’ So, I have been fighting stomach problems ever since but I’m eating cherries as they contain anti-inflammatory chemicals. And I forget to drink enough water! That is also VERY important in downing prescription pills.
Hope you are better soon. I kind of agree with the tomato vines maybe being the culprit, itchy leaves for sure.
hugs,
Miss Teresa
Vanessa,
You do not love your garden too much. Your garden is a testament to loyalty and love. It is a true work of art.
I completely understand the fear. Not knowing what is causing a major medical issue is the worse part of going through a major issue. I certainly hope your doctors are aggressively finding the source of the allergen. And yes, the major medicine can make us feel like we are looking at ourselves from outside ourselves. But remember, it does not change our core selves.
You are the creative being who shelters and loves your canine babies, creates a lovely home and garden, and beautiful art. You are still that person.
I hope you are able to rest and continue to feel better as the days continue.
Sarah
G’day Vanessa.
So very sad to learn of your ailments. What a nightnare! After reading the comments, I can see that you have been given loads of helpful advice. Hope it won’t be long before you know who/what the culprit is. I somehow think it will not be one of the ‘usual suspects’. You have lived in your wonderful garden for quite some time now, and this has never struck before.
Praying that you will get to the bottom of it very soon.
Keep well.
Your garden astounds me. It is so incredible. Thanks for going to the effort of taking photos to share with us!
~Vicki
Vanessa,
I think with your beautiful, creative and positive spirit you will be back to your old self before you know it. It must have been really scary to go through what you did and all of us thank you for sharing your life with us. I love your blog and your inspiring way you have about you.
Thank you and take care of yourself.
Karol
My darling, darling V, so many of the plants we love to grow for food are terribly toxic in their foliage. Wear light weight cotton from head to foot and gloves, so as to be completely covered. It may even require a mask so as not to breath in fumes from working among them. Then, always toss everything in the washing machine at night and take a full bath to wash off any residue. You’ll be back in your relm in no time. Think about the poor idiots who ate rhubarb leaves and died before they figured out it was the stem that would not kill them. You could never be away from your beloved garden for very long, you just need to know who to adapt and avoid and then once again enjoy. Loving thoughts always. TPL
Hang in there Miss Vanessa! I know you have plenty of things to stay busy with while you’re figuring out your garden problem. Sending lots of love and good vibes from Phoenix, not so far away. You’ll be twirling again in no time <3
Dearest Vanessa
I feel your sadness and your questioning and the love you have for all the life that surrounds you. Please do not worry sweet girl. I feel that the love of divine mother is upon you and she smiles upon you and she is watching out for you. All this shall pass and very soon. Please just rest and be comforted by the love that we all all send to you.
May you feel the sweetness and hugs and oceans of love upon you,
Chelsea
You dear precious wonderful lady. Yes I am here and you are there. I too have been up in the middle of the night fearing my thoughts and my life. Then with the sun it feels a bit lighter and better. I have no answers for you, I wish I did. In a strange way I understand fearing and being unsure of something you love so much. It is truly horrible. I hope for both of us that understanding comes. I will send you healing loving thoughts. You are absolutely not alone, so many of us keep you in our hearts. So much love to you,
Tricia
PS just a thought (which you are probably getting tired of) what if you had a mini heat stroke along with a reaction to the tomatoes? I have a mild reaction in which I get red and itchy when I touch the tomatoes plant’s stems or leaves. I can eat buckets of tomatoes without a problem it is just the plant. Heat really opens your pores and allows stuff to penetrate more easily. And then overheating is a huge problem that can cause hives also. The combination could be pretty bad. I have come very close to a heat stroke and I got a rash or milld hives, felt detached, spacey. I stopped making sense at one point and have no memory of what I was saying or what transpired afterwards. I seem to recall my vision got a bit funny too. I was also out of it for a few days after. It’s a bit touchy feelie but look into muscle testing specific items from your garden, or using a pendulum. I know, very weird but at this point what do you have to loose. If you can identify a couple of things then you could be officially tested by a doctor for those specific things. Also if you cover up a bit (with lightweight clothes as I understand the heat issue) wear gloves and a hat it might be help in the interim and allow you to go into the garden again. Anyway just a couple of thoughts, toss it in the trash if you want. Just want to help. Now I am the one rambling!
Tons of Love,
Tricia
All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. –Walt Disney
Vanessa, I really think you should see an allergist. They can help you find out what you are allergic to and help with medications. Can you wear long sleeves and gloves while you are in the garden? What does your dr. say to do?
Your allergic reaction was very scary. Just hope you can find out what it was and how to protect yourself from another severe reaction.
Dear V—You are SO loved.
I sent you an e-mail about chagas.
I hope you don’t have it!!!!
My dearest Magical Muse, Lifter of my soul, New Age Hippie, Enchantress, and Master Photographer, only one word: Pray.
Well, two words actually; then listen.
Sending you all of my love, Deb
Vanessa:
Just popping in to see how you are feeling. Checking to see if you’ve posted anymore updates. I hope you’re having better days now.
Take care of yourself….we all need you! 🙂
xoxo
Kim
Gerushia’s New World
Get well soon, hang in there and be safe!
Hugs,
Kelly
Vanessa, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Like one of the comments above, I was wondering if there is a way your doctor or an allergist could do some tests to see what it is exactly that you are allergic to? That way, you would know for sure and not have to be afraid of going in your gardens again. If it can be pinned down to one thing, even if it was something you ate, you would at least know what is was and to avoid it. You shouldn’t have to live through the fear. If you can, I would seriously consider going to someone who specializes in allergies and see if there is something they can do for you. There just has to be a way to pin down what it was that caused your allergic reaction. Especially since the hives keep coming back.
Lady V, you need to give yourself time to let what happened sink in and heal. I’m sure in time you’ll be able to be in your garden and eat normally.
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I was wondering if there is a way your doctor or an allergist could do some tests to see what it is exactly that you are allergic to? That way, you would know for sure and not have to be afraid of going in your gardens again.