Life has been crazy insane in my world lately.
A kick here, a kick there.
Trying to scramble to get up, then getting pushed over again.
Tumbling down the rabbit hole.
I won't bore you with the details, but it's been weird.
Doozy weird.
In it all, I have met the most intense dreams.
Angels.
And in a pool of despair and fear and worry, hope pulls me out.
And then, I have a day like today.
Where the universe tells me, there will be good days, and there will be bad days.
There will be magic, and sorrow.
There will be love and loss.
Sickness, health.
The key.
Finding the keyhole and your way out of dark places, somehow.
I hang onto that map of me-ness, for all I've got.
I can hear the universe.
Tsking at my inability to make changes.
Liking things as they are.
Who doesn't?
Change trying to pry my fingers off of sameness, one finger at a time.
Change is coming in all sorst of ways.
All the time.
And just when the ball of nails and anxiety wind me up so much
that I have to go run in circles to be able to breathe…
I hear his voice.
You know who.
And he says.
I am here.
And I look into the clouds and whisper, I know.
Then I plunge.
I plunge into faith.
I start to flow through memories of my life.
The good.
The happy.
The love.
The now.
Even in its weird turbulence.
With people I love health scares, and things I have no control over.
A warm numb peace comes over me.
And I find myself in touch with a tender spot in me.
A really open soft spot in my being.
Where sappy movies make me laugh and cry.
Where I need something like Queen Latifah in Last Holiday.
Or some elf movie.
Something light.
Silly.
Ridiculously sweet.
I go to make dinner.
I turn up the easy listening pop station really really loud.
I never do this enough.
Sometimes I think it's silly.
And then I find myself searching for the station that has Delilah on.
Yes I know.
It's true.
Then I hear this song below.
I never paid much attention to it.
But today, I like it.
It reminds me of my different ages – I get choked up.
In fact, I love the chorus.
I know, you have heard it ten million times.
But still.
I turn it up sooo loud.
I think of you.
Maybe you feel like I do.
Maybe life is inside out and upside down.
Heavy scary things, not so heavy things.
But still rotten.
And you need someone to grab your hand and say, hang on there you.
Whatever it may be.
I have had a smattering of them all lately.
I have to learn from it all, to cope, and come out on the other side.
Sometimes bad or scary things that happen, can teach and make you wiser and stronger.
If you can find that balance in it all.
Somehow.
It can be foggy.
But.
I listen.
I believe.
And I turn this up crazy loud, and dance, and sing and jump on the couch.
In this moment…
"This one's for the girls, who dream with everything they have……."
Love, V
Dear Vanessa – I know. I really do. I want to crawl way under the covers and not come out until I can be ME again – and you know, sometimes I think that happy, carefree woman-girl is just gone for good – or at the very best, just hanging on by her fingernails and toenails! And, like you, just when things are at the peak of craziness, I hear that voice, too. Often not just Him, but a whole chorus of loved ones saying “We’re here! Hang on!” – I am most definitely not alone, but I often feel very alone now, as all the dear souls who raised me, encouraged me, are now on the other side. How can you be alone with so many people around you? You can, I understand. My salvation, the only way to come out on the other side of this weirdness that I share (maybe it’s something in the Universe, not just us), is to create – art is the cure, Vanessa, dear – I can feel the pleasure and encouragement of all my loved ones when I’m creating…hmmm…did I just preach a little sermon to ME, as well? Methinks someone hopes I will heed my own words! Hang in there, my Dear! Hugs, Anne (Writing on my phone from under the covers – Truly!)
Just listen to that voice, the one you say – you know who. He’s there for you. Diane
Sending you hugs Vanessa, hope things improve for you soon xxxx
Dear Sweet Vanessa,
Keep the Faith my friend! Keep Believing in yourself! Please keep Wishing upon your star! I Love that You Share what WE All feel inside and we must encourage each other no matter what age! We are all on this crazy ride, just different roads and speeds. Now where did I put that Darn Map! ; ) <3 <3 <3
I am wishing you and those around you faith and peace for any of the rough things in life that you are experiencing right now. UGH! We know we are strong, but why do we have to be tested so often?! Hang in there. (hmmmmm… I wonder why I am still up at 2:51 in the A.M??? Well, I guess I am hanging in there too.)
Sending a sweet prayer your way.
XO,
Lisa
Sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you. Sometimes life is horrible and hard but keep that magic inside of you and you’ll get through anything.
Keep dancing and laughing.
xxx
He, the one, you know who, sends us to the edge but won’t let us fall too far. There is always a place that he pulls us back…Keep the faith and you will return to all that is good. We become our true selfs again.
Sending good thoughts of love and kindness your way. Keep them close.
I guess it happens to us all… Sometimes for days or weeks, and then one day, you wake up, and its like a clearing – as though you have been under a dark cloud of gloom (unlike those fluffy, beautiful ones you paint!!) and you find the warm sun again. Sometimes I feel like its just me, but I guess not! Listen to some happy music in your lovely garden, there are so many beautiful things all around you. Feel better!
Just when I thought life only attacks ME! lol cheers, I can dig it. Then I hear HER! voice, softly…life happens, its how we react that matters…(someone brilliant said that not me…) I watch Bruce Almighty, and the one with Steve Corelle, where he is Noah…and I just watched a really excellent one..A Family that Prays Together..Tyler Perry film with my fav..Kathy Bates…oh ya! I hope you DANCE!!!!! Thank you for sharing your heart. Life is what it is, shake it Off Harley…..(another fav movie..) Visit that glorious cottage of yours, shut the door and remember you are appreciated around the world Miss Vanessa………….🖤Debi I know i should be packing…
You girls – thank you so much for being here. Part of me didn’t want to write this post, and the other part of me only knows how to be honest – and I can’t lie when things are stressful. Who can?
My dad always has said I am too open, and that wear my whole heart on my sleeve. But, I can only be me, so that’s that 😉
I had all these unusual things happening in my world lately –
But then the other day, there was this serious crazy scary health thing that happened, and I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life.
And that really shook me up big time.
Sleepless nights and pacing in circles.
And fear.
Isn’t fear awful?
After I could see a little clearer, I was so grateful for my art – my faith, chats with my mom, and this space where I meet you all – and you aren’t afraid to share what you are going through – and then – I feel so much better.
So so so much better.
Coping is talking to others – and knowing that big or little stress things, and scary things, will happen to all of us. Someday. And, sometimes, we can lean on eachother.
And sometimes, it is what helps us through.
The only thing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here.
I am so beyond words happy, for this space.
I would be going crazy from worry in my head right now – if you were not here. And if I couldn’t speak openly.
I can’t tell the details of what is/has gone on – as it is not mine to tell. But thank you for understanding me through my cryptic chatter and anxious belly.
I feel like I know you all in some way.
Love, Vanessa
Peace that passes understanding!
You know…for girls like us who have had it so sweet…the tough stuff is tougher.
Hard knocks is not us :/
I hope all your family is well!!! *muaahh!!*
Dearest Dear Vanessa,
Life is sometimes so beautiful, but so hard. I’m sure your friends here were able to read in your words as much as you need to say so that we are able to come and offer you what Mr. V and I used to call “virtual hugs”. Please be strong and be good to yourself. You are so lovely in so many ways and you bring so much sunshine to so many. I can only hope that some of that strength and positive light comes back to you in this time of need.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and all of your loved ones.
With biggest hugs,
Betty
I’m sorry you are going through a rough patch now. I’m like Anne, all of my relatives are gone. My parents left way too early. It was a very rough time for me, especially being an only child & my parents were only children. I didn’t have much family around but thankfully, I had my friends. Some of them are going through things now & wonder how on earth I got through it all. At the time I had to just put on my big girl panties & do what I had to do. Also, Faith & Friends got me through. It was a very difficult time but I made it! Doing things you enjoy really helps. Being around nature & animals comforts me too. You have a great outlook on life, I think you could survive anything life throws at you. But hopefully it won’t throw too much. On a lighter note…..autumn is here & Halloween is just around the corner! 🙂 Hope you have a great day!
Oh Vanessa……hang in there sweet cheeks!! Every rosebush has its thorns.
xo
Jo
Still with you, Vanessa!!!
The words you share and the song all portray what so many of us feel so often. The picture you drew says it so well.
Sweet angels, surround your girl, Vanessa.
Dear Vanessa,
Thinking of you and hoping your bump in the road is smoothed over soon, with no more pot holes to jump.
Blessings to you and yours.
Tracy M.
Dearest V, Talking openingly of ones truth on a blog, wearing your heart on your sleeve, releasing the emotions are all things that are necessary to keep from bottling it up like a smoldering volcano within. (You know I know this first hand) Those of us who know the realness that life hands us (which is probably everyone), who have ridden a similar ride – riding the rollercoaster up, down and all around… can offer loving arms, loving support, loving kindness and loving words even though we may never have met in person. It may not be the remedy but it can be soothing nonetheless. Add to that your family, your art and your faith and it can make that rollercoast ride a bit less scary. All of us can be that bar for one another…the bar that keeps us from falling out of our seat, you know?. I am hugging you right now……can you feel it?
XOXOOXOXXOXO
It’s times like these, that you’re reminded to cherish every moment…and you do. Everything will eventually be okay. Don’t waste your energies on negative. Hang onto your faith, and keep getting back up. *steps down from the soapbox* and sends Vanessa a virtual hug
I’m so glad you wanted to and did share with us. It helps to share, no matter how scary. You can’t keep something like this bottled up. And yes, I know it too. The fear. Changes. All of it. It can even happen to the most optimistic, positive person in the world.
Embrace it. Know that it is a trough that you’re in. And know that soon, if not already, you will be on your way up the side and out of the trough.
Happy thoughts & well wishes coming, right now, to you.
Retta, thank you so much. I totally agree – wasting time on the
negative is fruitless. Whenever bad things are happening – I am searching
for a way to find the light. I think I got my toughness from my mom.
But sometimes, when you face something where you almost lose the most important
person – you fall off the grid. Its so hard – harder than I
thought. But today I feel great, and I am up and jumping and hanging onto
the monkey bars for dear life. Hear hear!! 😉
Oh you girls!!
Anne, Diane, Sharon, Kelly, Ruth, Lisa, Rachel, Linda, Jennifer, Debi, Phyllis, Betty, Laura, Jo, Lisa-vet, Marlyn, Tracy, Lisa, Retta, Heather, thank you thank you for the group hug!!!
I feel like I know all of you in some otherworldyly way – you kind beautiful souls!!!
I feel so much better today. Thank you infinity!!!!!
I hope in some little way I can give back some of that goodness to you.
In my heart I do.
Love, Vanessa
OH Dearie! I do hope all is well with you and your magical world! Sending you sweet thoughts from my little neck of the woods! : )
Dear Vanessa, I’m SO glad your heart is lighter today, Dear! I agree with you about our little virtual “tea-room” here, where we can get together and share things…I am so thankful for my blog, as well! Like Laura, I, too, am an only child, and by the time I was born (my parents were older), my Dad only had one sister, who lived far away. So, my folks were basically “onlies”, as well. I think that is one reason I had four children (as well as fur children…no pun intended! 🖤),as I longed for a bigger family than I’d had growing up. Now, after the “baby” graduates this year, I will have an empty nest…but…who would have guessed even a few years ago what a HUGE loving Sisterhood we would have?? 🖤🖤
Big hugs,
Anne
Sweet Vanessala! I am so sorry to hear that your life has been hit with some serious concerns, specifically the health scare of someone you hold very dear. Just when we least expect it, we are sometimes blindsided by something devastating. I am so glad you are feeling better as you mentioned in the comments. I have asked the Lord to help me through all sorts of difficult surprises in life, and I hold on tight to Him for strength! I pray that things will get better for you, and I am praying for physical strength for your family member with the health scare! Thank you for sharing your life with us.
I hear ya, sweet Vanessapie.
Put in Last Holiday and just cuddle with your loves for the present moment.
That’s what we have.
i know what the darkness is like…places like your blog (and others) are what keep me holding on instead of giving in…
love & blessings
~*~
You must be psychic…
I was re-living moments just yesterday, when I was 13, and all the nasty, unfair, bad stuff people used to ‘put on me’ and blame me for, when I had nothing to do with circumstances in school. I guess I was used as a ‘scape-goat’ (Mr. Lovee will know what that is) Anyway, I always was resilient and would bounce back, as that is who I am. Not much can get me down. But yeah, people can be cruddy to other people just for the sake of being cruddy. What is crap, is when out of the blue someone you are very close to does the ‘mind-control’ thing and it’s like ‘Where did THAT come from?’ Do you believe that people who are so insecure come down on the sweetest people? (Not that I’m miss Angel or anything)but where does that nastiness come from and why do other people think they can ‘get away’ with hurting the feelings of someone else? Are they so insensitive they ‘just don’t get it?’ I myself am a person who is a peace maker, because I hate violence and unfairness, or explosive anger from anyone. It seriously makes me ill. It nauseates me, and I think, in the human nature, it is totally uncalled for and there is no excuse for anyone to get angry just because they are a control freak and didn’t get their own way. I do agree with righteous indignation, when something bad should not have happened, and we get angry about it. That kind of anger moves mountains.
Okay…I’ve said enough. Thank you for this post, as I just wrote a letter telling someone off who has been so unfair and then I deleted it and didn’t send it. They say it is better to ‘get it off your chest’ and then rip up a letter and then forget about it, as the person who you would have sent it to, would not have read it anyway! Ha! Such is life. My oldest son is better by the way. Maybe I should have put this all down in an email to you…but…maybe someone out there needs to know there are others who go through the same things.
Looking up in the sky at ‘you know who’ and knowing he is there, really does relieve the stress…thanks for the reminder
XXOO
Miss Teresa
BTW…we had a 14 hour power outage today and this is the first chance I have had to be on my computer! Yes, life has been crazy!
AND…I am also sorry for whatever you are going through with a loved one…as I just experienced that with my son being so severely ill. I know it was all of the thoughts and prayers that helped see him through, thank G-d.
Dear Vanessa,
I am so sorry for whatever it is you are going through with a health scare of your loved one and I hope there is a good outcome.
You don’t know it, but you have given me a great deal of joy and peace over the past 2 years. I had a scare of my own and it turned out to be more than a scare. It is a nightmare tied up in a pink ribbon–you know the one. I can’t turn on the TV, open a magazine, or go to the grocery store without being reminded of it (as though I ever forget.)
I’ll spare the details. I have gone through what millions of other women have. Some call it a journey, some call it a battle. I really don’t know what to call it other than a nightmare.
I just wanted to thank you for all you have done for me. You have inspired me so many times to rediscover joy in things I had let slip away. You reminded me how happy and easy zinnias are. How better can you spend $2 than on a package of seeds that turn into a riot of color? You gave me permission to let those 2 big furry girls of mine in the bed with me when they so badly wanted to comfort me. Forget the rules, I have plenty of sheets and a washing machine!
You urged me to water the tomatoes or fill the bird feeder when I barely had the strength to get out of bed. (You also told me it was OK to do those things in an Eileen West nightgown if I wanted to.) You conveyed to me that I deserved to drink from Waterford crystal and eat from Limoges as much as any honored guest on Thanksgiving!
I could go on and on about the ways you have touched me.
And today you gave me another gift. One I did not think I wanted. You let me cry. Not little teary dab your eyes brave-faced sniveling. I’m talking big blubbery, honking, sloppy wailing. I have been so busy being the brave strong woman, daughter, sister, mother, friend, aunt, etc. (ask anyone who knows me–thats what they see). I lost the girl. Or I hid her, or I banished her. I don’t know. But dear Vanessa, you inspired me to let her out. She’s mad and she’s scared and she is stomping her feet at the unfairness of it all. But she’s out and not likely to let me stuff her away anytime soon.
I truly consider you to be one of the many blessings He has given me. Keep doing what you do! I have a feeling there are more people who have grown to depend on you brightening their world than you can possibly imagine.
Wow…and I say that in awe and reverence…all of these comments are mind boggling and so encouraging. God bless you Vanessa and what you blog about.
XXOO
Miss Teresa
I like this post lots. Thanks for being real.
Also, I really like this drawing style–it’s funny.
You should do a graphic novel.
Big hugs for you, Sweet V!!!!
Oh Vanessa…sending big hugs to you. I was in this place so very recently myself. Which is why you have not heard from me as of late. Just now getting back to a regular routine and returning to a happy place. After being in a very scary place, the clouds lifted and although I’m tired out, I’m happy. 🙂 Know that you are not alone…it is obvious there are many who care. 🙂 xoxo
I know how you feel, I’ve been there before its really hard to move forward when you know something is not well. Its not easy to wake up each day when you know you feel something weird inside you. But we have to face every circumstances and challenges in our life because its part of growing up. To experience pain, to be broken and at the end of the day to move on, and see life as it is. Go girls!
Just keep believing. You need to nurture the strength of your spirit so it could shield you from any sudden misfortune. You should view life in a way that you are making yourself ready for what lurks ahead but dont forget to live life today because as one aptly puts it, tomorrow’s life is too late.
Jane Wilhighns
This is really life. Full of surprises. It may have rocky roads, but what is important are persistence, love and faith. We should always hold in our faith to God. It is only in God that life will have its true meaning.
LIFE in its truest sense is a gift itself. We should love this beautiful life the same to the extent of the intention of the giver. With GOD at the center of everything, all things are in place and these things (good or bad) has its meaning.
Live a happy life everyone!
If I were you, I would not be worried had my world become crazy and weird. Sometimes, you just have to defy from what other people are doing.
Thanks…