Greetings from the country house.
My little window shelf is full of whatever I can find in the garden right now.
The botanical bits and bobs made me so happy, that I have kept refilling them.
Eucalyptus and a few roses.
A bit blurry, but I am offering you phone pics today whilst testing my new computer here in the country.
At the beginning of the pandemic I decided to create my office at house 2.
But I still have my original office at the country house, which I call house 1.
I was just in need of a new computer here, so here I am.
This little window is in the little kitchenette between my office and my studio.
It makes me so happy.
I can see out to the back, and even get a little peek of the tiny cottage out to the left.
Pomegranates are all ready and some even cracked open.
The light is changing, and the mornings are definitely getting cooler up here in the mountain.
Baby Poppy is napping right behind me as I type to you.
I had to snap this photo because she sleeps with her arms turned out so curiously.
She’s just such a sweet and sassy little girl.
I’m sorry about the odd phone pics, but I don’t have my fancy camera with me, as I have been away.
I came directly to the country house upon my return from out of town.
As you may know, 7/8 years ago we added a second house to the mix.
So, now we live at two places and go back and forth every day, as they are close to each other.
The country house is our love letter to rustic cottage and creative living and has been our home for over 25 years.
House two was just a really interesting curious place that came our way, that we purchased at the perfect time.
One day we would like to build a new cottage at the country house, but we will chat more about that on another day.
For today, I shall share where I have been for the last week.
In all honesty, it was a very challenging week.
I traveled to our family home.
I went through all my dad’s things and chose everything I wanted to keep.
Everyone got to choose what they wanted, and at the end my mom gave me my dad’s wedding band.
It fits me perfectly on my third finger and I have not taken it off since receiving it.
In the midst of all of that, I got severely ill from my allergies, in dealing with dusty things on super high shelves and such.
My mom keeps an immaculate house, but the super high shelves in dad’s closet were dusty.
Over the last 3 years I have become alarmingly allergic to household dust.
To the point that my eyes swell up and I sneeze for 3 days in utter misery, even with allergy medication.
It’s truly debilitating.
As a child I had severe allergies to almost everything outdoors.
And so, my parents took me to an allergist at 8 years old, so that I could have a normal life.
I received 4 shots on each arm, twice a week, until I was 18.
Thanks to my mom for making that happen, because I can now have a garden and dogs.
Alas, I must return to the allergist because the dust thing has become more serious.
Are you allergic to anything?
Both of my parents have allergies, so I suppose dna got me there.
Aside from that, it was nice to be at the family home and we accomplished some huge projects.
I did really well doing the projects and such.
But upon returning home I did feel sadder than ever.
It comes in waves, and I am certain it will for a very long time.
But I do also feel happy and creative at times.
Then I think about my dad, and things take a detour.
He was one of my best friends, I miss our daily chats terribly.
I listen to our favorite music from Somewhere in Time, John Barry.
And other artists such as Neil Diamond, Luis Miguel, Andrea Bocelli, etc.
The most random thing happened the other day.
My phone pinged with a notification from YouTube offering me a video.
I opened it and it was the song My Way by Frank Sinatra.
And I thought…
Ok, Dad.
I hear you.
You know, the end is never easy.
You want so badly to take away any suffering or pain the person you loved went through.
I think that is the hardest part.
How to find peace in those feelings.
I’m just living my day to day life, with tears and smiles all along the way.
It’s just the way it’s going to be.
It’s all very unbelievable at times as well.
You think you’ll have your parents for so much longer.
You think there is another day, another tomorrow.
You never expect the unexpected.
I have buckets of wonderful memories.
I hold on to them and just move each day, one step at a time.
Painting, gardening and dogs are the joy of my life.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Each day must be lived to the fullest possible.
For me, that’s cuddling with Teddy and Poppy and putting paint on the palette.
Watering my plants, pinching fragrant leaves.
Watch clouds go by, enjoy it all.
Enjoy anything beautiful around you.
Sky, rain, breeze, music.
Embrace it.
In all of this I have learned, only the very simple things truly matter.
I knew this, but now it has been proven to me.
All that matters is that you find some sort of joy in your life.
That you look up and see all that nature has to offer.
In the end, you can not take anything with you.
Your journey and your experience become the most valuable thing you ever had.
So, make the experience as lovely as you can.
It’s the greatest treasure you will ever behold.
Your journey.
Your joy.
The good and the difficult.
All of it.
Your journey is all yours, it’s your greatest most meaningful thing.
The bees, the flowers, a hug from someone you love.
Your family of pets and humans.
Music, creativity, a cup of tea in a garden chair.
Those are the things that truly matter.
All your collections of those little things are the most invaluable of riches.
They are the richness of your life.
See you soon
Love, Vanessa
Such a sweet post Vanessa, I was thinking you would have to go home and go through your Dads belongings. So sorry you got so sick. I am also allergic to dust, grass, strawberry, cats and all the caines, like novacaine. I love love love love that little kitchen window, so sweet with all the garden goodies. Poppy is adorable. I remember years ago you saying to me that you would love to build on the country house property* how fun that would be right
saw a bunch of hummingbirds today, all summer we see them every day, first time in 26 years living here. It was amazing
love deezie
Beautiful, melancholic memories. Grief is such a teacher. I’ve just realized in reading your entry that my loss, my son, is so traumatic that when I tell someone for the first time I very quickly say that he left us a beautiful granddaughter. As if I need to spare someone the pain of his death. Maybe I need to learn to sit with the sadness and not move too quickly to a “happily ever afterâ€. Thank you for your vulnerability.
They are always with us-even if physically gone from this earth- the ping on your phone with the song (I believe) is a message from beyond. Thank you for enduring all those allergy shots for years so that today you can enjoy and share your beautiful gardens and darling dogs with all of us! Hope you get your dust allergy under control. Beautiful photos as always (even with your Phone)
So nice to have you check in. I am enjoying getting to know a little more about you. Your pics are lovely just they way they are. Hope you can find some relief with those nasty allergies. And, thank you for so many uplifting thoughts ~ have a beautiful week ~
Such a beautiful post, and oh so very true. Thank you, Vanessa.
The music at the end of your post whisked me away for moment, so absolutely beautiful!
So happy you have such special memories of your father. You will indeed miss him dearly.
Oh V, if only I could give you a big bear hug. I remember going through my mama’s things. The rush of memories was overwhelming and comforting at the same time. Next week will be 4 years without her and in December it will be 6 years without my daddy. I still think about them everyday and randomly call out to them. I’ll be cleaning and then all of a sudden say, “Daddy, oh daddy†or I’ll say, “Mama…mama†and start to cry a bit. I feel a surge of love fill my heart afterwards. Crazy thing you should mention your allergies. I used to get allergy shots once a week every Saturday morning so I could enjoy my pets when I was a child. I was (am) also allergic to dust. Over the last few years my cat and dust allergies have gotten so terrible. I have an appointment with an allergist coming up so I’m hoping to pinpoint whatever else I’m allergic to because my eyes are constantly swollen and watery and my nose goes crazy too. Agh. I’m also thinking I might be allergic to walnuts because sometime my tongue hurts after I eat them. Not sure though. I love Poppy. She’s just beautiful. How interesting how she sleeps like that with her legs splayed out.
xoxoxo, Jen
All of my grandparents and both of my parents are gone now, and what I notice most is how many things I thought I would always know are gone forever. There is no one I can ask about childhood memories and what happened when because everyone who knew those things is gone. It’s a strange feeling, distressing and also oddly freeing. I know those things exist, and I feel in a way that they are safe in the arms of my parents and grandparents over there on the other side, safe from any damage this mad world could have done to them. I also notice that I miss my mother more with each passing year.We’re told that grief eases with time, and maybe it does though I think it’s more that we just learn how to live along side it. I think the farther I go in my own journey the more I wish she was still here to share it with. She died in 2009, and I still haven’t had the courage to go through some of her things, as she was my best friend and my pillar of strength throughout my life. You’d think I’d want to read her journals, but in a strange way I feel like as long as I don’t then she’s not completely gone. So odd of me, but there it is. Your approach to this brutal event is filled with grace, and you are, as always, a beacon of light. xo
Sitting with sadness is the hardest thing. We’re told it’s a doorway to grace and growth, but it’s a very, very painful doorway, especially the loss of a child. I think, though, that Vanessa is the wisest person I “know” so I feel like the path she is walking is undoubtedly the right one, and I too have been lead to wonder if it’s time to just sit with the sadness of my mothers passing, which was years ago but which I still have not dealt with. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.