When your heart feels a certain way, chase golden hour.
The magic lives there.
In those last rays of golden light.
Illuminating everything in its fairy tale haze.
I stand in the last beam, closing my eyes, marveling.
Taking a deep breath.
Fluffy white tail running through the rose arbor.
Golden light bouncing through Queen Anne’s Lace.
It’s Easter evening and Teddy all of a sudden looks quite lambish to me.
Must be the ears 🙂
He and Poppy are about to do their wrestling, which happens all day long.
Wrestle, nap, snacks, repeat.
Our wild Poppy girl, making us all feel whole again.
It’s as though she was always here.
Keeping us all on our toes.
Guarding the garden.
So like Matty in many ways.
In her pink and yellow garden.
Waiting for her Teddy to come back from a walk with Irishman.
It seems that even the Marc Chagall roses got the color combo memo.
I stand at the top of my rolling hills garden.
The last of the light setting in the mountains to the west.
I can not miss a golden hour.
They fill me with everything I need late in the afternoon.
I used to talk to my dad every evening, so now it feels like something is missing.
Because, well, there is.
It’s funny, this life experience.
Some days, I’m light and cheery and then all of a sudden, I feel deep sadness over my dad.
Today I was thinking, how everyone is going through something.
How sometimes we feel so hopeless and lost.
I wanted you to know that, it’s okay to feel sad, you’re not alone.
Life can feel so difficult and overwhelming, I know.
I just want you to know that, I feel the same way sometimes too.
I suppose that’s part of why I come here, to invite you into the garden with me and Poppy and Teddy.
To share a little light, to bring you with us.
I try to capture the moments in my photographs as I experience them.
In hopes that you can imagine being there too.
I thought I knew everything when I was younger.
I feel like I have a lot of wisdom that grows as I get older.
But I also feel like, I know nothing.
Just when we were happiest, when we felt like we had arrived at some wonderful place, my dad died.
We had so many things we wanted to do, places to go, things to see.
I’m sorry to come to this happy place and talk about this, but I am nothing if not honest.
To lose your person, your rock, is the most difficult.
It’s almost like, you have to find your joy within again.
I was a girl with a dad who loved her, and supported her, and guided her.
Over the last 10 years I have become emotionally stronger than I ever thought I could be.
I smile to myself, at the irony of life, how it was preparing me to be able to go through the big things.
You cannot ever be truly prepared, but younger Vanessa would not have been able to get through this time.
All that guides me now is wisdom, faith, coping skills, and knowing that you have to just allow yourself to go through.
So, I seek golden hour light every single day.
I paint all night, I kiss my dogs.
I walk around garden paths and I listen to music and audiobooks and make healthy meals.
It’s okay to go through things in life and to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.
But it’s most important to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
Stand in golden hour light, bathe in golden hour light.
Take a deep breath.
Sing a song.
You’re not alone.
Life is filled with ups and downs.
As my dad always said, allow yourself to laugh and cry every day.
It will take me time to heal, I hope you understand.
Mister Lovee was telling me that when his mother died many years ago, it took him 6 months to realize what had really happened.
I feel the same way.
Of course, I was there, I held his hand as he left.
I know what happened, but the raw reality has hit a bit harder lately.
The thing is, I know what to do.
I know to allow, and cry and feel and chase golden hour, and smell roses.
And talk to my dad, and listen to the birds, and run to the top of the hill to watch pink mountains at sunset.
But it’s also okay to cuddle up with a blanket and a dog or two and shed tears.
Talk to friends, go for an early walk.
Above all, be extra kind to yourself.
I’m learning things as I go through this part of my journey.
I will share as I go through.
And I hope you will share with me too.
Lots of Love,
Vanessa
PS:
Just wanted to add that I will be responding to comments in the comment section.
Unfortunately, my blog service does not allow me any way to notify you and let you know that I have answered.
So, if you fancy a peek, there will be responses 🙂
PPS:
I sometimes like to share what I was listening to when I was writing my post.
This song came on as I was typing and I listened to it a few times.
I thought you might find it lovely, as I did <3
Surreal by Ryan Stewart.
The comment section at YouTube says the whole CD is wonderful.
I love a lot of his songs.
Thank you or taking us to your garden(s) at all times but especially during the golden hour—your posts are a soothing balm to a chaotic world and are much appreciated. They touch me so and often make me cry. I love seeing your happy pups and beautiful flowers in your wild garden .I will be 80 next month and no longer have a garden so you sharing yours is most special.
When my brother died many years ago now, it took me years to even utter his name or look at pictures of him. When I say years I mean many many many. You take all the time you need ~
Janet, you can’t imagine how much it means to me that you enjoy peeking into our wild secret garden. It’s lovely to have you stroll through with us, even if it’s virtually. Thank you♡♡♡
Thank you Sharon♡ This grief has been the most unexpected journey for me. There are so many layers to so many parts of the experience. Thank you for sharing about your brother. That really touches me & helps me♡♡♡
Your gardens are so magical* I love it all* Some how I am still not okay with both my Mom and Dad being gone. I almost feel like an orphan. I mean most days I am okay but I do cry often for them. I pray so much for you, I know what you are going through, its so hard. But the best is we have such special memories of our special people right*** Thanks for always sharing
love deezie
i agree with deezie – your gardens are magic and they help a lot of people heal through your sharing of them. i think if i hadn’t found your blog and so loved the way you write and the photos you share, i would never have made it this long. grief is its own teacher and healer and we just have to remember that. you are so loved by so many and i know your dad is watching over you and encouraging you all the time. xoxo
~*~
hugs & kisses to Teddy and Poppy, hello to ML and the Irishman.
Vanessa, I resonate wholeheartedly to this post. I lost my Dad three years ago and my Mother in Law 4 years ago. I feel them close to me everyday but it is not the same. I also understand the words you wrote about the younger Vanessa. The younger Dena could not handle this time either in the same way that I can now. I love you so very much for the consistent content you create that touches so deeply to my soul. Thank you for being Beautiful you. Also, as I tell myself, treat yourself with Grace, healing can sometimes be a life long journey as is growth.
Many Blessings Beautiful!!!!
Xp,
Dena
Goodnight Irene, now all I want to do is visit your garden with all the people who have commented and have a big ole golden hour hug fest among the beautiful flowers and sweet furry babes! Loss is permanent. We don’t stop grieving; we learn how to live with the grief. Cowboy is with me, even when I remarried. It’s love, right? That love we feel, it’s a blessing, but the price we pay is love-in-grief. Worth it I know. And how about that? You reached out to let others know (in your grief) that it is ok to feel sad and that they aren’t alone…and they answered you back with a resounding, neither are you. xoxoxviiixii Roostah who loves Veevala and her garden and the fur babies and the dudes that hang with her, from far far away…in a different golden hour <3
It is so hard Miss Deezie, and I really feel for you also. At least we understand one another, with these difficult life losses. As much as I understand that one day I will go too, and that it’s just part of life, the brain and heart grieve, it’s simply a necessary process, I think. It’s the price of loving someone, and I am so glad and feel so lucky to have had a great dad <3 <3 <3
Miss Dena, I absolutely agree with your every word. We absolutely must give ourselves some grace. Allow ourselves to go through and be kind to ourselves. I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad and your mother-in-law. My dad was such a super strong personality that him not being here is very very strange. But I am trying to allow myself to do what my mind and body need. If I need rest or a cry, I just do it. I’m trying to have an extra healthy lifestyle to go through this grieving time. I know I will always miss him, but I also know that time will make it less painful, it already is less painful, I go up and down. It’s not constant pain anymore. The worst part is the memory of his suffering at the end, and all that. That is very difficult. But I took a bunch of time to look for old photos and make myself a little gallery of how I remember him when he was well, that has helped a lot. I agree, healing and growth never ends, it is a life long journey, Thank you <3 <3 <3
Thank you Thank you dear Laura <3 Your words mean so much to me. I agree, grief is its own healer and teacher, and we really do have to remember that. Not just drown in a well of despair. Life can be really tough, but there really is goodness, especially in nature and animals and kind people. Thank you for reminding me that my dad is watching over me. I talk to him, I hope he hears me. Lots of love from, V, T, & P <3 <3 <3
Dear Roooostah, I agreeee. I want to do the same thing. Golden hour fest with our lovely group here would be wonderful. I also agree with you completely, loss is permanent and we learn to live with the loss. A few months ago I said to Mister Lovee, I don’t know how I will ever make peace with this pain. He said, you cannot try making peace with it, because you never will. Instead, you have to understand that this was painful, is panful, and just accept it for what it is. That helped me sooooo much. I stopped trying to feel better and just accepted that I would always be sad about losing my dad, and it is what it is. That set me free so I could continue my journey. The experience was traumatizing, awful, sad and terrible. I accept that there is no peace in that, and now I just can love and miss my dad without trying to make sense of it or peace with it. When my dogs have died my sister always reminds me that it is an impossible loss. She’s right. There’s no sense to be made. So, I’ve realized you just have to go through it, time will help you and we must be kind to ourselves. We are on an endless journey, aren’t we?
Boy are you right, the resounding “you are not alone either Vanessa,” literally made me cry. So beautiful. Thank you dear Rooooo, my dear long time far away friend <3 <3 <3