The journey back to that happy place…
I've been thinking about this.
Then I think, forget the journey itself, sometimes you have to wonder how to even being the journey?
Before I go on….
Let me be honest here.
Over the last week and a half, there have been some really intense freak out moments regarding "the scary thing."
I am working through lots of things in my mind, that my little foray into the unknown has brought me.
This includes replaying the event itself.
Throat closing in, hives all over my body, not being able to breathe, shaking uncontrollably and not being able to communicate because my brain feels trapped in confusion.
Then of course, I panic.
I am trying to work through it all and just move on, I am, talking about it helps so much.
Somehow, I know I am not alone in this.
In these feelings.
My thoughts lead me to think about others, maybe even you?
And where you might find yourself at this very moment.
I know so many people right now going through so many things.
Changes in their world.
Divorce, loss of loved ones, major life changes, health issues, or even finding themselves in that place in life where they feel plum lost.
Any matter of things life hands you, can leave you feeling like, "hey, where did the path go?"
Where am I?
Where do I go from here?
How do I get out of this?
For me, it comes down to my tools, a lot of self pep talks and prayers…
(Oh and, lots of talks with Mister Lovee and hugs with the furs)
The other day I felt so panic stricken, I finally bolted outside, and ran around the yard as fast as I could listening to this…
Never mind that I have not been running in eons.
Between gasping for breath and letting out some anxiety, I was sobbing.
Mostly because for the first time, I recognized my mortality?
Was that it?
I don't know.
But I ran and ran and ran.
And sobbed, and ran, and heaved for breath.
It felt so good.
So so so insanely good.
Then a huge gust of wind came and whipped around me.
I felt like, in the wind was a message.
Work hard, keep believing, don't give up on dreams.
Love yourself.
Be good to you.
Live your life.
Live your life.
Live your life.
Really live.
To the fullest.
What does really living entail?
I thought I knew already, but…
That wasn't in the message.
🙂
I haven't the foggiest clue for certain, but I have my eyes open, just in case.
Paint at the ready.
For many uses it seems.
And so, I locked myself up in the studio.
Music, paint brushes, canvas, clay…
For some reason, when thinking about things in my life, my brain jumps to thinking about others.
And I feel this sort of deep compassion for people I don't even know.
I wonder, how do others cope with even grander things going on?
How do they find their own way back?
How do you?
The only thing I know is that, in the place where the depths of my imagination meets creating, there is a map back to myself.
I know it's in there tucked away.
Even if it gets lost in the suitcase lining.
It's there somewhere.
All I have to do is get out of my chair, and go get it.
But sometimes, that is that hardest step, isn't it?
The first step?
So, I force myself.
Each step brings me back to that familiar happy me place.
A place that is always there.
Even when I think it's missing or misplaced.
Lots of things happened to me earlier on in my life, which forced me to find myself.
I feel lucky, even though the things seemed hard at the time.
Lucky that I could piece some things together, an emergency kit if you will.
To help me back, when things get foggy.
Sometimes I have to bang on things on my way there.
Just to get my brain to open up, just so.
I guess, for a long time everything seemed perfect.
And it still does, in its own imperfect way.
But really, I had a wake up call.
Yes, that's what it was.
Over the last week, I have been telling my very hard head, that there was something to learn from it.
To be open, to let go.
To succumb.
The first time I heard this song I could not let go of this one line.
It has replayed itself in my mind, over and over and over.
It says,
"I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in."
Isn't that an amazing liberating thought?
I think, only with age have I been able to really understand the beauty in that.
It's incredible to me, how so much emphasis is put on being young, and staying young.
Being young is touted as being the end all be all.
Ya sure, you feel good, you look good.
But, when you are young, you know so little about certain things.
If you had told me that when I was 25, I would have thought you were mad.
I thought I knew it all.
But it is only as I get older, that I really see.
It's only with getting older that I really understand my youth, and live it.
It is only with passing years, that I have come to appreciate the now.
It's only today, that I have some form of tools, to help me find my way back to Wonderland.
If ever I get lost.
An ever changing place in my heart of hearts.
A place of everyone's own making.
In everyone's heart.
And so I ask, what do you do to stay in your happy place?
What are your tricks?
And, if you haven't made a map yet…
Are you thinking about it?
I'll tell you another secret.
There are people who I love who don't get what I do.
Who, might not even believe in it like I do.
Who think I am insane, and impractical.
It's soooo hard, I know, to try not to let that affect you.
But I repeat this to myself –
I can't live my life for anyone else.
I have to be true to me.
I HAVE to be true to me.
Some days I have to remind myself many times.
Luckily Mister Lovee and I are on the same page.
What would I do without him?
Wowe.
Was that too heavy for today?
😉
My brain runneth over with thoughts it seems.
Thank goodness for paint and paint brushes to keep me semi-sane.
And chats with you, for sure.
Love, V
ps: Early Sunday morning, black eyed susans and evening primrose…
A thoughtful lovely post as always Vanessa. Big hugs from me here in Vancouver, trying to paint. No…make that…painting! *smiles* Norma
Vanessa,
My happy place involves Disney. It reminds of my childhood, and I still want to go back there because I love it so much. I know what you mean about being young–I mean, I am only 16 so I am pretty young. But I feel older–wisdom wise. It’s almost like by appreciating the whimsy and the childlike qualities of life, it makes me older and wiser. Does that make sense at all? Accepting Wonderland and appreciating it is what makes me feel more knowledgeable. Or maybe I’m just crazy and I’m actually a loon. Who knows? 😉
One time, I was really upset–there was all this bent up energy inside and I just came up to my room and pounded on the bed and let it out. And that felt GOOD. I know what you mean about running around and just wanting to let your feelings out. I do that too. And then I started crying just because it was GONE, and I felt oh so weightless and free of my problems, if only for the moment. And I think that’s what life’s about, isn’t it? Just letting go of the bad things–not giving up by letting them consume you, but giving in to them–understanding that they are there and that you have the power to defeat that negative energy. Wow, what a great thing to get into your brain before noon, huh?
You have given me quite a lot to think about 🙂 I can’t tell you how much your blog means to me. Seriously. I’m not just throwing out fluffy compliments here–I mean, I check your blog every day, and if a new post isn’t up, I go and find one I haven’t read. You have taught me more about life than my entire educational career! When I saw this new post up today, I jumped a little in my seat.
My happy place is my room, my own space. (When it’s clean, teehee). I like writing stories, (on my computer–I can type much faster than I can write) and reading or sketching something, or listening to music. Isn’t it strange that when I’m alone, I don’t feel it at all? When I’m hauled up i my room, by myself, I don’t feel alone at all–probably because my imagination is silence that isn’t silence. It’s quiet on the outside, but inside my brain, I am not alone 🙂
I hope you are feeling a lot better 🙂 You are an inspiration and I hope you never let any negativity take over you 🙂
Vanessa:
I have been on a very long and very dark journey. It started in October of 2007 and has woven a path through my life for almost 5 years. Things are getting a bit better now, but finding the path to better has been a scary journey. I’ve learned a lot from this journey. Some of it, although painful, I look at as a gift. It opened my eyes in amazing ways. Some of it has been horrible and I still hold my breath and pray to make the memories go away. There is always much to be learned on a scary new path. There’s no way I would’ve made it through these last years if I were younger and less “seasoned”.
I’m watching to see how you do it because I know you are braver than me. I know you are stronger than me.
Sharing your story and your fears and your journey is helping so many people. I love you for your willingness to share and to show other’s that you’re vulnerable and open hearted.
xoxo
Kim
Gerushia’s New World
I know you’ve heard ~you can’t have light without the dark~, but you know, you can’t have *light* without the _heavy_ sometimes too.
Your panic and awareness of your mortality shows you how deeply you appreciate your life, not a bad thing. Hang in there.
Michaele
I think creating is the answer, because it HAS to come from the depths of your soul. The last few years have dealt me with a divorce, the loss of my beloved brother, constant migraines, the loss of my darling nephew to cancer, my mom being diagnosed with terminal cancer, and now the painful condition of an inflammatory arthritis. Oh, and throw in menopause for good measure :/
Paper, pen, paints, and such keep me sane – or at least delightfully insane. Sending you a hug!
XO,
Lisa
Hello Vanessa, I found my way to your lovely page via my dear blogging friend, Diane from Lavender Dreams, and after reading your transparent post, I am so glad she recommended a visit.
You have simply spoken as a true artist, my dear…passionate, sensitive to every detail, every breath, every heartbeat. It is a gift, really, but it’s up to us what to do with all of that passion which at times seems to be so overwhelming. It is because it is not even ours to hold. We are given the privilege of exuding it, sharing it, giving it away, inspiring, encouraging, loving, but never containing or restricting it. Our panic comes from our human nature which wants to maneuver each detail even if we think we don’t. It’s only human.
You ask, “What does really living entail?” I don’t hold YOUR answer, but for me, living entails giving, pouring out all the life which Perfect Love pours into me. It is an endless source which never runs out, but SEEMS to when I hold it too tightly for myself.
You ask, “…what do you do to stay in your happy place? What are your tricks?” I don’t count on happiness. Happiness is dependent on EXTERNAL circumstances. I count on JOY, dependent on an unlimited, immovable, unwavering Source, the Giver of all life, Life Himself, for me Christ is this Source. Knowing that He is my substance, my joy, my gift which will NEVER run out, and never die, knowing that with Him I will never cease to exist and will go from life to life, well, need I say more?
I absolutely agree with you as to how much richer life is with age. I see DETAILS now that I never made time for when I was younger. I see beauty that I never noticed existed in the simplest of things. I appreciate the tiniest miracles that are happening all around us with each breath we take.
I am THRILLED to have come across your page and look forward to visiting. My wish for you is that you may continue to live to love, live to give, and live from life to life.
MUAH!
Marcia
I’m reading your comments and see that we all have had challenges along the way. I am older…and I have been through some really hard times. I worked hard and I wrote in my journals…and I’ve always been creative. We just do not have control over so many things and our health is one of them. I adjust and find joy in what I can do and each day I choose to feel good and be happy. It’s different for each individual but some of us deal with life in different ways. I am careful about the influences in my life and I am blessed to have a good husband that supports me, too! You are doing what’s good for you, my friend! I’m very proud of you!
I am so glad you always ‘tell it like it is’. Yup…that’s the way it should be. My husband and I agree that everybody should just be their own individual and stop trying to please everybody else. Not to the point of over stepping boundaries, but just being true to yourself and letting other people find out who they are too. Life is complex. And youth really IS the ultimate ‘wish upon a star’ scenario. Getting old is not natural. We were never meant to get old and die. But that is another story…so we live with what we are given and make the best of it until we pass on.
Because there is more to just living out our human lives…there is more that will meet our eyes and I am told it is beyond our imagination and beyond our wildest dreams, and hasn’t even entered into our expectations of the best of the best we can imagine. THAT is my joy and hope that carries me through mundane days. The joy and expectation of the eternal bliss we are promised and it is free to everyone! It is there for the asking, so to speak. That promise is what keeps me going. In the mean time, I try to use my talents, even if I am the only one who appreciates them…hey! At least I am having a good time! Soap bubbles and all!!!
Looks like you are enjoying yourself in your fantastic studio creating visual landscapes and 3-D creations.
love and hugs,
Miss Teresa
Marcia,
thank you so much for the most beautiful sharing of words and feelings and
thoughts.
You are so wise and your beautiful spirit exudes through the screen.
I recently had a near death experience, anaphylactic shock, hives all over
my body etc…. and coming from that has sort of jolted my normally tra-la-laing
self into some heavier questions and thoughts.
And in some greater way, I feel like, there is a message, and something to
learn from this… and there is.. there always is, isnt there??? In some
way?
I always like to go with the flow and see what comes up on the way, but in
some ways the health event led me to think, maybe I need to be just a wee bit
more cautious and prepared, but still in my own wonderland 🙂
And not taking anything for granted along the way.
Thank you again ~ Vanessa
🖤
Norma, YES!!! I agree and am following your lead, Painting for sure!!
😉 🖤
Jessica, yes I agree, Disney is the most magical place on earth, or at
least one of the most magical….
I was like you, at your age. People would tell me I was an old
soul.
Hold on to that wisdom – it will grow even more with your openness 😉
And keep dreaming big!! And running around or jumping on your bed if the
mood suits it 😉
🖤
Kim, I feel like you YOU are one of the bravest people I have ever
met. You continue to create and grow and dream, even though the last 5
years have been so tough. I admire that so much. I do. You are
a great friend, love to you, V 🖤
Let’s see, the tools in my own bag of tricks when I need to find myself again, hmm. Hugging and petting my beloved cats, remembering to slow down and truly breathe, favorite books, naps, writing in my journal, chocolate cake, hanging laundry out on the line (very grounding). I love my bedroom, which is purple and I call my Tower Room because I’ve always wanted a room in a tower. It isn’t literally a tower, but I feel like a magickal wizard when I’m up here creating. If none of that works, I call my Mom or take another nap. Preferably with a cat. Hugs to you!
Michaele, I totally agree… what is the other song lyric…. the cracks
are the way the light gets in??? Comforting… so comforting…..
OH, yes, you are right! I had not thought about that – I do
appreciate my life…. I do. Oh thank you for reminding me!
🖤
Lisa, wow – I am speechless. You have been through so much. And
yet, you are a light source. Yes, the creating, there is where the sanity
is isnt it? So right. Big hug back! 🖤
Diane, I am so so so with you, I can even tell you – I have to be so
careful on the influences in my life as well. I can be very easily hurt if
I dont have my invisible shield on. I have to remind myself not to let
the hurtful people get to me. That I have the power to control how they
make me feel.
You are so beautiful, thank you for being such a source of goodness from
the heart,all the time.
🖤
Teresa,
You and I have so much in common – and I will always, as I have told you
already but will never tire of saying it, be grateful for reminding me of the
bubbles.
Every time I see them, I think of you – and I know that magic is right
there…. just like the dish soap bubbles.
DO what brings us happiness, thats what its all about isnt it? You
say it so right!!! Love, V
🖤
Nikki, I call my mom tooo!! All day 🙂
Oh, your tower sounds scrumptious, all magical and purple and perfect to
fuel the soul!! With naps and kitties, yummy yumm!!
🖤
The door of my happy place opens as soon as I put an old jazz record on the record player. Then I get out the paints and lose myself in creativity for hours. That is when I feel the most “me.”
There is a weed in my yard that I get extreme reactions from. I don’t know what it’s called, but it has these little sticky balls all over it that velcro onto my clothes. When any part of it touches my skin, I get hives. (tho never as bad as the scarey reaction you went through) I always jump right into a cool shower, and it helps. Sometimes I have to take a benedril, tho I prefer the spray because the pills make me soooo groggy for about 12 hours or more.
I have been reading an amazing book called “The Wise Woman Way” by Susun Weed. It’s about herbal remedies for menopausal issues. But she spends a lot of time talking about the acceptance of our own deaths. I know it sounds morbid, but she doesn’t approach it in a morbid way at all. All I can say is this book has become such a supportive friend to me! It makes me calm down and realize everything will be ok. If you are in a bookstore, you might want to take a peek at this book. Even if you are years from “the change,” it’s really never too early to start learning some of the lessons she teaches so eloquently in this book.
I send you a big hug, and I am glad you a feeling better! Lots of love to you and your sweet boys.
I think my wonderland comes to me in that magic hour at night when you are just between dreams and reality, that place where even the maddest silliest thoughts that zip through your mind seem perfectly logical and perfectly perfeect. That time when you can feel your eye lids lowering but you feel as though you can still get up, twirl around, and dance in your mind on your tippy toes. Where you forget the day and focus on the imagination. Where you dream that all your problems will vanish will just three taps of your magic wand! That’s my happy place and if you want to knew a secret to how I get there is….reading your blog! That’s right your blog is a place I go to forget about the fact that everyone I care about is stuck behind that thick door of reality and think I’m crazy and strange just because I love tea partys ,beautiful music, and other fancy things. Your blog reminds me that there are people out there that believe in magic and fairys and blowing glitter all around just for the fun of it! The truth is YOU often help me return to my happy place. Also it helps I believe ,when you have lost your way , to take a day to yourself, turn on your music real high and dance and sing,badly even, and run all through your house in your pajamas, have your own private tea party for breakfast, get all dolled up and wear your favorite dress and celebrate a merry Un-birthday, make funny faces in the mirror, choreograph your own little dance to your favorite song as you go along, paint, blow a bubble in fact take a bubble bath, listen to flo+the machine! And “put on your Sunday clothes cause theres a world out there!” that’s how I get out of a funk and find my happy place . Oh and always remember never forget just about everything happens for a reason. I never quite realized how true that is untill recently but now that I look back at things things that upset me in the past turned out to work in my favor in the future. Good night 🙂
thank you so much for(http://www.celinebag-luggage.com ) the most beautiful sharing of words and feelings and thoughts.thank you so much for the most beautiful sharing of words and feelings and thoughts.
hi Vanessa
(((hugs)))
I forgot to tell you the other day, I was talking to hubby and telling him about ur allergy and that you had been in the tomatos. He said when he has been nipping out the tomato side shoots he always burns the leaves then straight away goes and washes he hands, otherwise he starts feeling all ‘wierd’, and that is just from handing a few leaves. I think perhaps I should be a little more careful in the greenhouse now too 🙂
I dont think it’s so much an allergy, as the body’s reaction to high levels of a toxic substance, if you see what I mean 🙂
here is a song for you you may like, it’s a version of a Lewis Carroll poem, by a band called Omnia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf1wVDZLXf4
luv mel :)|
You’ve had a very frightful time of it lately, Vanessa…and you’ve weathered it just fine. You’ve come down this path wiser and more aware of one’s mortality. I see that as a positive thing. Tuck the experience and caution in your mind with all the rest….and keep moving forward with what you love. Live your life in technicolor.
Miss V,
You have a knack for bringing me back to my place to be quite honest. This whole blogging world does. All the loveliest art pieces that people pull straight from their hearts. It’s a place that exists so far outside of the reaches of this reality. Of so many peoples’ realities.
I know this quote, it’s from Buffy the Vampire Slayer hahaha. Anytime I feel a bit too odd, a bit too peculiar, and I just want to be normal I repeat it to myself. “You walk in worlds the others can’t even begin to imagine.”
Actually, the number one thing for 8 years (since I was twelve) that I turn to for help and bringing me back to my core self IS Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know it sounds ridiculous but that was much more than I show for me during my teen years and to this day. It was a guide to how to be strong, and how to be different and accept and appreciate that. It changed my life. I don’t know who I’d be without it. Probably have 3 kids by now HAHAH joking. But as much as people appreciate the humour, and the general quality of the show, very few people feel the way I do about it.
Yeah I just went on an entire discussion about BTVS, but I was just being honest 🙂
Hi Vanessa,
I agree with Jenn’s comments above, your world is a wonderful place that we all get to share and for me your garden is the sort of place I wish I could create. It must have been so hard to get back out there after everything that happened to you.
When I was 17 I went through a tough time and this song was like turning on a light bulb.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk_sAHh9s08
I still think of these lines whenever I need an extra push. “If you want then start to laugh, if you must then start to cry, be yourself don’t hide, just believe in destiny, don’t care what people say, just follow your own way, don’t give up and use the chance to return to innocence”
Keep talking about until you are ready to let it go. The world can be so scary and things happen so quickly, I hope that you will remain hopeful and optimistic and keep living the life you love 🙂
Nikki xx
Nikki, I LOVE that song!! Oh, thank you sooo much for reminding me!!!
Love, V
Luckily Mister Lovee and I are on the same page.
What would I do without him?
Yes, you are such a lucky girl!! And even better, so wonderful that you know it.
I don’t comment often, but I must tell you that you lead us back to wonderland almost every day. Your photos of flowers and gardens and puppies and gypsy wagons all give us hope. I battle with panic attacks, low blood sugar attacks, and the very dreaded vasovagal attacks. I understand completely how you must have felt during your horrible attack. But thank goodness for dreams of wonderland and beautiful colors that we can make art with and somehow survive through another day. We love you for who you are and sharing your dreams with us. I am going through a very terrible time right now after having to put both of my parents into a nursing home. My mother stopped eating over two months ago, and we don’t know how she is still alive. But maybe the fairies have sprinkled some special dust on her, and she will survive a few more weeks. I’ve always said, a little fairy dust never hurt anyone! I just don’t say that too loud, because some people don’t understand.
What a heartfelt and honest post, Vanessa, it really moved me. Sadly I don’t have time to write much now, but wanted to share this quote with you which I come back to time and time again if I feel like my life is going off the tracks:
” We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” E.M Forster.
Emalina x
Just what I needed too! Thank You So Much and CHEERS to you for your bravery and following of heart.
Oh, sweetheart. As one who’s been there, in that wilderness of an uncovered heart, I’m so glad you’ve come through to the other side.
Sounds silly, doesn’t it? But I have found I am a much better, serene, aligned person of authenticity. I have scars but I love them. I have tear tracts but they show maturity and depth of self.
Your post brought a gentle smile to my face.
Oh Miss Vanessa! Big hugs to you. I can relate to how you are feeling – I can share it with you sometime. You are thinking common things – as many of us have. You have an amazing support system – your adoring and loving husband, and amazing family and beautiful fur babies – and all of us, too. How do I get to my happy place? I think of all the things – and people – I love. I look around and realize I am grateful. I think of my favorite songs, and art, and books, and anything else that is special to me. And I just be. I try to live on. It is easy to become scared, but it is hard to become brave. But that is what we must do. 🙂 And you are brave, dear friend. xoxo
Marcia said it beautifully… the joy that comes from knowing that Someone is always near, with me and loving me, I only find completely from Christ… every other good thing is “icing on the cake”… I’m so glad you’re doing better… my prayers are with you. You only have to look around your beautiful garden to see His love poured out. Those lovely sunsets are His smile and the gentle evening breezes carry His touch.. <3 Blessings, dear girl!
I found this & loved how it just fits perfectly into my life right now. I’ve been painting murals for years around my family’s needs, but now that my girls are getting bigger & a little more self sufficient, I want to give more of my time & efforts to being creative. But a new home & more debt has me in a “real job” that pays regularly to help our finances…and I’m putting less effort into what I really want to do. It’s frustrating that I’ve been unable to create the income I’d like from what I love doing, but I always feel like I wouldn’t have such a strong desire to paint and be creative if it was not meant to be a big part of my life. No matter what anyone says. That’s why I love that you wrote this:
There are people who I love who don’t get what I do.
Who, might not even believe in it like I do.
Who think I am insane, and impractical.
It’s soooo hard, I know, to try not to let that affect you.
But I repeat this to myself –
I can’t live my life for anyone else.
I have to be true to me.
Before I had my kids, and before I re-discovered how much I loved drawing, I had panic attacks- and while they scared the bejesus out of
me, they almost always had an eye-opening after effect. Not the most pleasant mode of communication that my inner self could use, but effective none the less. It sounds like you’ve gone through some inner navigation & are very very strong. More power to you, and much more peace. Thank you for the regular glimpses into your magic world…they make it all seem possible 🙂