Finding yourself back is such an interesting journey.
Or is it, finding yourself again?
It's like, seeing someone you vastly love, that you thought you'd never see again.
It's butterflies in your belly.
It's excitement.
It's renewed joy.
Makes you want to skip in circles.
But, what is it that helps you find yourself back?
What saves you again and again?
I told myself, I wasn't going to talk about this ever again.
I was going to put it on the back burner and move forward.
Because it was too dark and too scary to relive.
(yes I sobbed whilst typing this)
Plus, too hard to explain if you haven't experienced it yourself.
Panic, pain, anxiety, sleepless night, shivers, tremors, fear.
But then I thought about how scared and lonely and lost I felt.
And, my brain and heart felt over-filled with thoughts about others feeling the same way, for all sorts of different reasons.
As you know, I was very ill in December and January, and a little into February.
I tried to skirt around it, as to not let myself drown in the fear.
It was weird, because I don't get sick often, so I think that increased my sick fear.
It turned out I had two separate things going on.
One was a pretty horrifying reaction to a vitamin supplement called Biotin.
This really opened my eyes to how unregulated and dangerous supplements can be.
Especially the dosage of Biotin that is being administered in an everyday hair, skin and nails vitamin you can purchase at any store today.
Turns out, it might not even really help your hair, skin or nails.
Who knew?
I didn't need it, but my mom took it and liked it.
So she gave me some (my poor mom), and I thought, hey I am getting older, maybe I should take a vitamin?
The recommended daily dosage is 150 mcg, or no more than 300 mcg.
A hair and nail vitamin has 2,500 – 5,000 mcg's of Bioton.
(I had been taking it for 3 weeks)
Mind blowingly scary right?
I had no idea.
Be careful.
Research.
Know about anything you take.
They say Biotin is water soluble, whatever your body doesn't need, it will purge.
Ya well, it didn't happen that way for me.
When has a supplement for pretty skin, nails and hair ever killed someone?
I never take pills, and am pretty sensitive to anything, but this seemed harmless.
The other issue was abdominal, which I have a new doctor for that.
But I am much better now, and working on totally healing in that area.
The thing is…
When you find yourself in these situations, it isn't just your body that suffers.
But your mind.
Your emotions.
And it isn't just from having a scary illness, or two.
I think you can find yourself in a very lost and unknown place when anything heavy happens in your world.
There was a sort of cycle I journeyed through these last 2+ months.
It was a tough journey because it took a while for my body to clear out that supplement I reacted to.
But, you should know, whatever you are going through, big or small, you don't have to do it alone.
It's okay to talk to people, this is what helped me find out what it was that was making me so ill.
Talking, listening, bouncing things back and forth.
I even asked my post office guy questions.
I talk too much, and this time it helped.
You see, my torture began on December 11th.
My birthday.
I had had abdominal pain for about a week or more, and not been able to eat much.
But I was feeling better.
We were having a family dinner, when a strange wave came over me.
Something I had never felt in my life.
I felt like something dark sat on my chest.
And I couldn't breathe.
I could hear my heart in my ears, pounding.
I tried to hide it, so I went outside.
I took a deep breath.
Tried to compose myself.
I didn't want to freak out my poor parents.
I came back shaking.
My family was concerned, they had never ever seen me like this.
Normally I am so happy I am bouncing off the walls.
I started to cry.
I told them I was confused, and felt weird.
Like an anxiety building up in me.
Only I couldn't pin point the cause.
So, we all talked, and everyone thought maybe I just had too much on my plate.
We bounced around ideas of what it could be.
It was a tough year.
Lovee had some serisouly scary health brushes himself that had left me terrified.
I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
It was so scary, and shot my nerves big time.
I had been jolted into a tough reality.
I kept waking up totally freaked out.
Imaging my life without him.
It was too much.
Thank goodness, he got better.
Times had been so intense in our world, and by December I was pretty overwhelmed.
But, still, holding it together okay.
So, we chucked my anxiety off to that, and we went on with my birthday evening.
The next day, I woke up trembling, shaking.
Filled with a fear I can't describe, unless you have felt it, it's hard to explain.
My stomach was in knots.
And my mind was racing so fast, I couldn't get a hold of it.
I felt crazy.
I felt out of control.
I felt confused.
The feeling was very unnatural, and it felt like I was having some sort of attack.
Anxiety, then panic.
I felt so scared I started to not be able to breathe.
I was filled with anxiety, and then my whole body was tingly.
And I felt more than faint.
I sat and rocked and trembled, with my mind racing.
I prayed.
I cried.
I couldn't eat or sleep.
This went on for days and days.
I went for walks in fear.
I woke up at 3 a.m. and ran around my yard, several nights.
I paced up and down the driveway.
I felt like I was losing my life.
I was drowning, and hanging on by a thread.
Everything felt over.
Over.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I was in a washing machine of darkness.
Head spinning in thoughts so fast I couldn't control it.
I felt like I was holding on to life, but, couldn't for much longer.
I felt like that was it.
I wrote down all my info, passwords, logins.
I wondered what would happen to my blog?
My stuff?
But really, I didn't care.
I felt too bad to care.
I put my will out so Lovee could find it.
I wrote notes to everyone I love.
I was sure I was going to die.
I felt like I was dying.
Everyday it got worse.
I was prepared to go to sleep and never wake up again, because I thought my body was giving up on me.
I prayed myself to sleep.
Sometimes I was so scared, I couldn't even cry, because I was paralyzed by fear.
I had heard about people feeling like this.
Anxiety and panic attacks?
And honestly, I come from such strong people and have been so strong myself, I thought psychological things could easily be overcome.
I thought anxiety and panic were all hogwash.
Like my dad said, you can't understand it, if you haven't experienced it.
I thought it was all me, that I had fallen off the edge.
In my mind, I was ready to be sedated and locked in a room forever.
I thought if I went to the hospital, they would lock me away for sure.
This went on for about a week.
I sat huddled in front of an electronic heater blowing hot air onto me.
It's the only thing that made me feel better, even though I couldn't get warm.
I was shivering, shaking all the time.
Night was so daunting, I didn't know how I would survive it.
I was in my own scary nightmare movie.
Days had past, and this one evening I was shaking terribly.
I couldn't control the shaking, and I was freezing.
I was totally exhausted from days of this, and I was done.
Just exhausted and done.
I had to make a huge decision for myself.
A scary one for me.
I got dressed the next morning.
And I said to Mister Lovee, I need help.
I am drowning.
I am going to die.
I need help.
He said, yes yes, let's go.
The thing is, as an adult, I rarely go to doctors.
I used to go once in a blue moon, and had a yearly last visit, about 4 years ago.
Except for the fluke hives and anaphylactic shock last summer, I never had a reason to see a doctor.
I always feel good – mind, body and soul.
Ya, I get headaches and allergies, and vertigo here and there from an inner ear trauma at 17.
But, I just see those as passing blips in life.
Normally however, it's easy sailing for me in the health arena.
In fact, I hadn't even had a cold for 5 years when I got the flu in spring 2012.
So, for me to say "I need medical help" means, it's serious.
Luckily we have an urgent care and a hospital down the road.
So, off we went.
I rocked outside waiting for my name to be called.
Still panicked and mind racing.
I was afraid they were going to see me and say, she needs to be taken away.
Locked up for life.
I felt like I had this big secret, about how I had fallen over the edge.
And that I had to be careful not to fully let the doctors in on it.
Lucky for me, I got the kindest doctor and nurse ever.
They were older, and very caring and knowledgeable.
I had taken the Biotin pills with me to show him, as they were the only thing out of the ordinary that I was taking.
They took my temperature.
I had a full blown fever, so they thought maybe I had an infection of some sort?
No wonder I was trembling all night.
The doc checked me out.
I had some hives and splotches on my neck and chest.
He talked to me.
I cried, and shook.
He asked me lots of questions.
Like, had I ever felt these feelings before?
I said no.
Of course, you have stress in life and you cope.
But this felt totally out of control, and debilitating.
I felt like something externally was attacking me internally.
I had all sorts of tests, blood tests etc.
And we waited for a long time.
We were there all day long.
I prayed my little heart out in that cold room.
Mister Lovee sat by me, reading the paper.
Me tossing and turning, moving around.
Prepared to hear I was dying.
The doc came back, and he said, I have your blood tests.
And they are very good, in fact excellent.
Then he went on to tell me he was certain I was having a very bad reaction to the Biotin.
(as I shared in a previous post)
That my body was treating it as poison.
And rejecting it.
An allergic reaction.
I had stopped taking it the day before.
So, the doc said, never ever take it again.
He said it could take about a week to clear out of my system, and for me to feel better again.
But that I might even feel a bit of withdrawal.
(it took over a month to stop feeling totally rotten)
He felt very certain I was having the anxiety and panic attacks from the Biotin.
He gave me allergy and anxiety medicine.
He also confirmed that, when you are having a panic attack, you often feel like you are dying.
Wow!?
Biotin is a B vitamin, so I started to do tons of research on it.
Come to find out that, lots of people taking it are having anxiety and panic attacks.
I have learned to never ever ever take anything without researching it.
The only way to find out if you need a supplement is to have a blood test.
Not needing something, and taking it, can make you sick.
Vitamins are not regulated, be aware.
It took me about 2 months to start feeling like myself again.
To not feel jittery or filled with fear and panic.
To start feeling like I could try to unearth myself again, and go back to living.
I have learned not to fear doctors.
My fear was vast.
Not so much of the doctor, but of the prognosis.
That fear only makes things worse though.
They are there to help you, not hurt you.
It's better to deal with something, and heal yourself, than to totally ignore it.
The ignoring is such a heavy burden.
On New Year's the abdominal pain came back, and I had to go back to see a doctor.
That led me to a new doctor who is working with me now to get me totally well.
I was so glad that, although it's a fortune because I am self employed, I have kept my health insurance going for years and years.
It's scary to realize that, as a self employed artist, if you get sick, everything stops.
Being brave is sometimes all you can do.
Thanks to endless talks with Lovee and my parents (calling my dad like a mad woman) and friends, I tumbled through it all.
With support.
Here is the thing though.
As I started to feel better, I realized, it was going to be a journey back.
That I had come out the other side as a different person.
I wasn't feeling tough and fancy free.
I was vulnerable, and wanting good change.
I had a wake up call.
A call back to life.
I had a new desire to live again.
To feel life, vastly and totally, in real goodness.
But how?
I was stuck in a tunnel I had fallen into, of fear and health, and I was trying to get out.
Yoga in the garden.
Planting things.
Sun.
Running.
Singing.
They all helped.
But I needed even more.
What though?
I realize how easy it is to get stuck in a vacuum.
I couldn't go back to life as I knew it before I had these health scares.
I felt so different.
I trekked along, but it didn't feel right anymore.
I cleaned out my drawers.
I organized things.
And I started to feel a little better.
I did chores I had let go.
Things I wanted to do, but just let go because that's what we do in life.
I got new bathroom rugs.
I organized the bathroom cabinets.
I felt even better.
I did some yard work, like burying irrigation.
And yes, I felt even better.
I went underwear shopping 🙂
Comfortable things, that fit and felt good.
I searched for comfortable wearable cute shoes.
See the comfort pattern here?
Comfort, what a concept.
I suppose platforms aren't practical for every event in life.
I didn't unpack my emergency hospital bag, yes I had made one of those.
But I refreshed it.
Just in case.
I threw away magazines, and junk.
I got rid of a few things that I would never wear.
I threw out a bag of distressed worthless shoes.
I put things I didn't want, but didn't want to get rid of, in a box for dealing with later.
I took containers filled with paint outside, to paint under the clouds.
I flicked paint around.
I cried.
I listened to music.
I made breakfast, lunch and dinner.
My dad always had told me that an organized life, if a happy life.
He is right.
Chaos, with junk all around you, is a barrier to feeling free.
And then, there is the computer.
It's sooo good, and it's sooo bad.
The computer/technology is a huge part of our days.
We want want want.
We want to be inspired.
To connect.
To share.
To be moved.
We search for something to make us feel good.
We look at pretty things being pinned all day.
We see so many haters out there.
We read blogs.
We love the people who write them.
We all take each other for granted.
And everyday we need more.
More eye candy.
And we stop valuing things we once loved.
We want it all the time.
Abundant inspiration and beauty.
We don't want to say please and thank you.
We want to feel good.
We want someone else to make us feel good.
We fall into social media madness.
We live our busy days, going going going.
Looking, wanting.
But do we actually stop and DO?
Do we?
Make something, bake something, create something magical for ourselves?
It's wonderful to be inspired and dream.
But doing, that's where the fulfillment comes from.
Doesn't even have to be big things.
Could be tiny teeny things.
Doesn't even have to be making things.
Maybe…
Get a facial, help someone at the grocery store?
Make cookies for our neighbor?
Organize our drawers.
The pantry?
Do crafts, make something?
Do we do it?
Or do we just look at it being done?
Do we ever make a date with ourselves?
Refueling precious alone time?
I felt an explosion coming over me.
All my feelings just exploding, pouring, shooting out.
Where do I turn?
I need to do!
Really do.
Then I realized…
I had boxed myself into comfortable compartments.
Only, now I was beyond eager to break out of them.
I realized I wasn't being true to myself.
Letting myself be free.
I was being comfortable.
I didn't want to worry or be scared.
Or try something new.
But here I was, I had been through some huge fears.
Health scares.
I couldn't protect myself from them happening.
That's life, ya know?
Unpredictable.
Reminds me of that Alanis Morissette Song…
"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay…"
So now…
It's time to get back to living, big time.
Because really, we don't know what's coming next.
Life is short.
Ya, we hear it all the time.
But it's true.
The time to live is now.
Not if, when or then, but NOW.
All we have is now.
Enjoy those you love, get rid of anyone that makes you feel rotten in any way.
Throw paint around.
Do something really really nice for yourself.
Thank someone.
Hug someone tight.
This is your moment.
Make sure everyone you love knows it.
Life isn't just a stage, fame, fortune.
Life is breathing, dancing, loving, dreaming, smiling, being.
Being kind to yourself!
Through all this, I found out that my map back to myself was and is, paint.
It's the only thing that makes me feel like me.
In those moments, of music and paint, I see that girl I love so much.
That me-ness that lives in my mind's eye.
The girl I am so often mean to.
I make a pact to treat her better.
And, to paint paint paint!
Paint for health of mind and soul!
Paintings you might never even show anyone stacking up.
That's the place for me.
My journey with art began with me flicking paint around madly as a kid.
A release of emotions.
The love of it.
And so, here is where I am at.
I don't even know if I should publish this.
I worry, will anyone read it?
Will they skim, and will my message be misconstrued?
Do I want to put myself out there like this?
Tell people what I have really been through?
I feel a tinge of fear about the anxiety and panic days.
I don't even want to acknowledge them or talk about them.
But, talking, typing, telling – feels so healing.
Don't be afraid to seek help in your life.
Professional help.
Pry yourself out of your norm, do something.
Dance, sing – go for a walk and buy a cupcake.
Cry & laugh.
Be real.
Organize your drawers.
Clean your closet.
Do something you are afraid of.
Here goes nothing…
Click.
Vanessa:
Thank you for being brave and publishing this post. People need to hear your story and you needed to tell it. For many, many reason we need to hear it and you needed to tell it.
You are on your way back to yourself. The girl that flicks paint around madly and takes a walk and buys a cupcake. You are on a path that many people will never find. Most people don’t even look for a path to themselves. A path that takes you to real places…dancing, laughing, cooking, doing, doing, doing!
I want to do.
I want you to do. Keep doing.
I am so glad you are feeling better, my friend. I have worried about you more than you know.
xoxo
Kim
Gerushia’s New World
Dear Vanessa,
Kim hit the nail on the head…thank you for posting this!
Far too often, when people are hurting, they sweep it under the rug or hide it. It’s HARD to come out and say that things aren’t going well, especially when you have a blog, I think. It’s such a public thing, and it’s hard for the public to see your soft underbelly. You are very brave, and doing all those things you need to do to heal your body and soul.
I love how you fight to keep the important things working in life.
Keeping flinging that paint.
You are so loved!!!
Laura (Violet says, “I love you, Fairy Godmuffer Vanessa)
Wow! I’m not sure what to say. Thank you for sharing. I think Oprah would call this an Ah-ha moment.
That all sounds very scary.I’ve had a couple panic attacks in my lifetime. During the last one, my husband & I had to leave a wedding because of it. The lights & loud music & too many people were adding fuel to the fire. I have been ok for a long time now.
Unfortunately, I have been seeing way too much of my Dr. lately. I was sick for the last week, couldn’t eat, lost 10 lbs. I almost thought I had the stomach flu. My Dr. thinks it was all caused by my acid reflux & IBS problem she just started treating me for. Part of the problem is anxiety. She says I have to be less stressed. My whole abdomen was sore & crampy. It’s hard to not stress when you don’t know what’s happening to you. Is it my appendix, is it gas, is it this or that.
I’m feeling better now. She wants me to take some kind of meds. for 6 weeks that stop your stomach acid & lets everything heal. That sounds a little weird to me, not natural. I have to look into it some more.
I have been very tired lately too & she took 7 tubes of blood to check all sorts of things & everything came back fine. My husband said I’m probably the only person who is disappointed with good test results. It’s just frustrating. If they would find what’s wrong, they could fix it.
My husband had a bad reaction to a multi-vitamin once. If you look at them, they have a lot higher amount of things than what you actually need.
I’m very glad you are better! :o) I was afraid you were going to say the blog was ending.
Keep painting & doing whatever makes you happy (as long as it’s legal, of course).
I think it’s a good thing to share. I actually diagnosed a problem before by telling someone about it. She had the same thing happen to her. I had been to 2 Drs., 2 oral surgeons, & a reg. Dr. Nobody could figure it out. When I told them what I figured out, they said Eureka, that’s it. O.k. maybe they didn’t say Eureka. :o)
I just had a discussion with Laura I. about how we’re all friends out here, even if we’ve never met!
We all care about you & worry too so…BE HAPPY GIRLFRIEND! Go hug your adorable doggies. That’s good therapy!
Sorry this is so long! I wish I had something more profound & inspiring to say. Oh well, that’s all I got for now.
Stay well!
…and P.S.
I’m so over the moon proud of you. Proud of you for keeping your perspective and coming out of this with a renewed lust for life. For real life!
xoxo
Kim
Thankfully you survived the Biotin supplement nightmare!
What an amazing eye opening post. You are certinly the bravest most wonderful and most caring person I know. You also give the best advice and also take your own.
Be the best you can be and live for today.
Oh my, can I relate. Thank you for opening your beautiful self up and being vulnerable in the hope of helping others. Sending you a million prayers and smiles.
xo,
Lisa
Vanessa,
I am so glad you are starting to feel better – you are in my thoughts! I really appreciated your post for so many reasons. I thought I was going crazy…. I started taking Biotin recently but every time I took one they made me feel incredibly unwell and my anxiety levels increased for no reason. I have definitely heeded your warning.
Also, I have been through some major changes in my life over the past 4 months and I am at the point where I just need to clear the decks – physically and mentally. Thank you for reminding me that it’s a good thing.
Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings and experiences. I truly hope that you continue to feel better and thrive with your healing painting. Sending you love and healing thoughts. xx
Oh my goodness, dear Vanessa! I am so sorry you had to endure all that! You may not get sick often, but when you do, it’s a doozy. The mind is such a peculiar thing. You can talk yourself into feeling almost anything. I am so thankful you shared this. I have been very stressed out for the past decade for various reasons and last year I thought I was losing my mind. I kept having very horrible ugly thoughts and everywhere I looked, I saw the ugliness in it. I can’t even tell you what I was seeing everywhere for fear the thoughts will come back again. All it took for me to know I wasn’t crazy was for my friend’s husband (he’s a nurse practitioner who counsels AIDS patients) to tell me I was not the only one who had those types of thoughts. It meant I was losing my ability to cope. I try to take better care of myself, but it’s hard to find the time. Still, I MUST try. I am so glad you came out the other side of this a stronger person. I am so glad we didn’t lose you physically or mentally. So many people are inspired by you and love you for all the beauty and whimsy you give us. I am filled with gratitude at this moment. Welcome back!
Today in school we had to write a paper about animosity. The prompt stated that animosity evoked positive characteristics in a person, and our task was to either agree, challenge, or qualify with that statement. I decided to agree because I’ve seen plenty of examples of when people have overcome hardships and a new sense of self was revealed as a result. But I wish I had seen this post before we had to write that paper because I think this serves as the best example of all 🙂
Whew. Most of us have had personal moments, and wonder if we should open up about them, but yes, being able to write about things is necessary for the healing process and for others to learn. Thank you for sharing.
You’re so special and bring tons of joy and beauty to others, especially me. I know I speak for many when I say that we’re glad you made it through and share your *heart-light* with us.
Wonderful post. So glad you discovered the problem and are on the mend! You are awesome!!! S.
This post is good –
!. I’m glad to hear everyone in your family is doing better
2. I never knew biotin could cause such a reaction – thank you for the warning
3. I had health scares in December and January – sitting in the ER wondering if I would survive – so this helped, a lot
Thank you for your generosity!
Life can be so challenging at times. You are helping some people realize so many things by being honest and opening up about your life experiences and sharing things you have felt afraid to share. I think you have a great gift, and not just artistically! You are truly one of the few people that I “know” who truly LIVES their life FULLY! I so enjoy your postings, whether they make me laugh, cry, or touch me with their beauty. I have been challenged by life many times and feel very lucky to be here, and I am so glad that you are too. Keep taking care of yourself and enjoying all that you can of this crazy journey that we are all on 🙂
Vanessa, thank you so much for sharing your story. I just started taking Biotin and after hearing about your experience I am going to stop. I am so happy you are feeling better.
I agree with you, life is short and we should not take anyone or anything for granted.
I have also been going through some super duper challenging times and find so much comfort and peace in prayer.
May you keep feeling better and stronger everyday. You are a very awesome girl!
You described the feeling of a panic attack so perfectly, it really is as if you are dying. It is terrifying. In fact you described it a bit too well!
It is wonderful that you could share your experience though. It is so important for people to be aware that anything you put into your body, supplements, even herbs can have ill effects. People need to educate themselves and not follow anyone’s advice blindly when it comes to medicating. You are brave to share this. You have already used the dark time you went through for good, to help others. I am so happy for you, that you have come out whole on the other side.
I understand this more than you could ever imagine. Know that your body is failing you is such a helpless feeling. I’m so so happy that you’re on the mend and starting to feel normal again.
Much love…
Oh the irony of this post. As I read about your trials, it brought me back to my own days of panic and anxiety attacks. The irony…….. both anti-anxiety medication and YOUR BLOG brought me back to…… ME. It’s true. Though the cause of my anxiety and panic attacks was hormonal and not vitamin related, it affected every facet of my life and everyone around me. As your dad said, unless you’ve been through it, you can’t understand it. Even my mr. Lovee didn’t understand it. After the medication and your blog had worked their magic, my husband said “welcome back.” I now say that to you…..welcome back Vanessa. Welcome back and thank you from the bottom of my heart for offering a place where I can lose myself in whimsy and fantasy and wonderful eye candy. Please know that we’re all here for you always.
Thanks for being brave. I read through it all and so glad you have come out on the other side. I do question my addiction of the internet that keeps me from doing. So important to be doing the doing. Take care and sending your hugs!
I’ts so good that you can write this for yourself and others. I felt so good after I read it and I haven’t even been sick! But your new found joy and love of life is contagious. Thank you, too, for the warning. We don’t know when we might take something like that that could do the same thing. Enjoy your life – and keep being an inspiration! Blessings, Diane
Dear Vanessa,
Thank you so much for sharing your story…I totally agree with you that we need to be careful about what we put in our bodies and I’m extremely sorry to hear about what happened to you.
On the flip side, I am so happy that you were able to address the issue of finding (or refinding) yourself. It’s such an inspiration to hear from you your thoughts on doing what makes you happy, enjoying life to the fullest, and going back to simpler moments of following your life’s passions! I really needed to hear that, especially today! Cheers! Laura
I didn’t skim, I read every word.I too have been in that place. And I know other people who have been there too: one had a pounding heart after giving up smoking;, one feared interacting at college; one would have panic attacks at traffic lights, so much so, that he had to get to the nearest petrol station and be taken to hospital in an ambulanc;, one breaks into a sweat in crowds; one became overwhelmed by grief when her mother died; one started to have trouble swallowing. So many different reasons.
Mine was having a sinking feeling in my stomach from the moment I awoke each day. I chose anti-anxiety medication and it has worked for me really well. I was SO relieved to not have that sinking feeling anymore. But I had to eliminate some things from my life, like you, weird things. I found long-sleeved and roll neck tops made me claustrophobic; earphones made me go red all over; being organised gave me less to be worried about, updating my glasses prescription made me not get headspins; drinking water stopped my blood pressure from going low.
Health is a mysterious thing and is absolutely linked to happiness. I am so pleased for you that you are finding your happiness again, and feel for you that it has been such a difficult process. Believe me, more people suffer with this than anyone really knows. We don’t always talk about it because we know people used to be (and possibly still are) institutionalised for mental health issues. And we have scary ideas of how that turns out from books and tv!
So, anyway, my heart is with you, my prayers are with you. Keep talking to doctors and friends and keep painting! Your work is absolutely stunning, and your blog is always a magical treat for me.
Love to you xxx
You brave, brave girl you are to post all of this…
What a sweetheart you are! To let it ‘all hang out’ for all to see, is a very brave thing to do. And I know, deep down in my heart of heart, what you have written will definitely help someone else out there to help them see they can keep plodding along in spite of life and its strange and scary circumstances. AND TO GO SEE A DOCTOR if they are anywhere near as ill as you were. I am so thankful your mind, body, and soul are in the healing process. Spring is almost here and I have felt the energy field getting stronger. The sun has been out and My own volunteer VIOLETS are showing their sweet blossoms…their fragrance is so divine.
I have more thoughts but they all seem so trite compared to what you have been through this entire past 2012.
Yeah…relax…if you have to take a blog break girl, then do it!!!
It is a BIG thing to maintain a blog and life too at the same time.
I have been down scaling and trying to put reality in its place as far as what I can REALLY accomplish, in contrast to what my DREAMS are, which I have a lot of those too, which I know, in real life, most artists ARE dreamers, so, at least I can see the incredible creativity in the art world and admire those who I would love to do the same thing they are doing, but TIME just doesn’t allow it, so DREAMS at this point in TIME are okay!!!
‘TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.’
love and hugs,
Miss Teresa
Vanessa…this is a big hug coming your way. Know that you are loved and bring joy to many of us.
Paint with all your heart and soul to heal baby girl.
Vanessa, you are the first blog I ever followed, and over the years you feel like a friend to me. I have only sent you just a few messages all these years, but I have become attached & really care for you! Letting all your friends know so we can understand what you have been going through will be really theraputic for you. Letting us know what an allergic reaction to biotin is like is valuable, And well, you never know , it might save someone’s life someday. I have dealt with panic attacks with my Mom in the past, and they are truly frightening. You are now getting stronger and day by day, joy and health will overcome the past. You are a beautiful spirit and I wish you only the best. Keep painting and taking pictures, and take care of yourself! Love, Karen
You are brave and beautiful…..not succumbing to fear or uncertainty…
You are a mentor, guide, muse and healer, among so many other things…
This post just speaks to your authenticity and love of life…
…it is contagious and I am so glad I read these words tonight 🙂
Dear Vanessa, you are wonderful!
xox
Dear Vanessa, Sleep well tonight Dear Friend! Thank you for sharing your journey!
Prayers coming your way as you continue to move forward daily!<3
This is good timing for me, because I’m struggling. I have a lot going on right now too – including my very own health scare that has potential to be very, very bad (I’ll know more in march when I have my big test-appointment.) Because of that, I’m spinning on my own mortality and in much of the same places you’ve visited. It’s terrifying. Add to that home stress and other big things going on right now, and I feel like I get up every morning and everything is already disappointing or bad. I’m well and truly miserable, and yet I am not depressed because I still want and do all sorts of things. It’s just that sometimes life can be crushing. It sounds like you got a bit smooshed there for a bit. I understand. I’m so sorry you went through all of that, and I’m happy to hear it’s getting better. I know what you mean about the internet and feeling like perhaps it’s all been done, so why should I do it (or something), but I figure if looking at pictures of a clean kitchen doesn’t make mine clean, then the rest of the good stuff is waiting for me to do that too. 😉
*hugs*
Iam reading this in the car as my husband drives us to work. Trying not to cry. Just wanted to thank you for sharing this scary experience you went through. So happy you’ve made it through. So much more I’d like to say but this little phone is hard top type on.
Oh Vanessa, I’m so sorry that you and Lovee have both had such scary health problems, and this recent experience sounds like such a horrible time for you, you poor love. Well done for getting help and finding the source of the problem. Anxiety attacks can indeed make one feel as if one is dying. If you ever get them again and need some support, I’m very used to teaching people techniques tp overcome them, so do get in touch if you ever need me, we could always have a skype therapy session or something. x
So relieved V to hear that you are starting to feel more like yourself and you are really brave to post such an open and honest post.
I started to have anxiety attacks in the summer last year and the Dr signed me off work for 2 weeks and I had to take anxiety medication. It was a horrible and scary time, it really does make you feel like you are dying. I still get the odd attack every now and again but I’m learning to spot the triggers and deal with it before it gets too bad.
I think you’re wonderful for sharing this with us.
Big hugs
Rachel xxxx
Miss Vanessa,
Im sooo happy to hear your much better. And thank you so much for sharing! You have no idea the amount of people you just may have helped. Oh and…… YOU GO GIRL!!
First of all, thank God that you are on your way to being healed completely. I read every single word and thought what a horrible thing you’ve gone thru and reading you always I never suspected, had no idea. If I saw you today I would give the biggest hug and squeeze I could. Thank you for sharing this with us, I know it must have been so hard, and downright scary.
Paint, paint, paint, til your heart’s content, and don’t worry about us, we love you, and love to read your blog, but we’ll understand if you need to take the time to continue to heal. Take care of you!
What a beautiful, courageous post.
Made me think of a recent email I received (part of a subscription): “Metamorphosis is necessarily destructive”.
Like one of the beautiful butterflies you photograph, those intense, painful experiences have resulted in a transformed you…
Can’t wait to see the paint-flinging 🙂
Much love and healing your way.
Ohhh missy I thank you for sharing this blog post from my toes to my tipper top.
I’m going to take action.
Someone had to talk some sense that I would listen too.
While sitting here all alone,
Heart beating on a frozen throne.
Life running way to fast,
Afraid that I’d run out of gas.
Chest so tight it is bursting in two,
Tears falling not knowing what to do.
Time to see some folks who know,
With my fears all in tow.
Not the time to put on the brakes,
Time to take care during the the year of the snake.
I’m going to read your post again,
I thank you for helping me have the courage to begin.
xo Pinksterita
You are precious, unique, brave and the voice of so many of us! Wonderful post, deeply thought provoking and action inducing. Hugs Miss V!! You ROCK!!
Thank you so much for sharing your truth. <3 When people really do that, to me, it always resonates. And this post resonates SO much for me. So glad you posted.
Tara
Vanessa, once again, you’ve connected to me and inspired me. Fortunately I haven’t struggled with your health issues which are scary, but I do get anxiety/panic attacks. During my 20’s I got them often and was told that I had a chemical imbalance and they medicated me. My husband saved me. Like your Lovee, my husband worried and stuck by me through all the “madness” that I thought I was going to die. Hiding undercovers, going out in a shell and “pretend” to work and be happy and be a person, when inside I was crumbling into pieces and everything either made me cry or scream. As a teen I cut myself because it helped to know I could still feel things. I am on anti-depressants but I still walk around on the verge of crying or feel ultimately overwhelmed. I so want to DO, but when I get ready to, it feels so daunting, so I am frozen and crawl back into my “cave” which my hubby calls it. I so want to feel joy and be carefree, but it’s so hard to grasp it. It’s like it’s a butterfly leading me but just out of reach. This week has been hard because my sister’s furbaby got out of her yard and has been missing. Everyone’s heart is breaking because of the unknown. We are hoping someone has him and he’s safe, but then you think of all the horrible things that could happen and you dwell on them and that crushes any semblence of hope you had. You have motivated me to reach for my joy again and dig out from under my chaos and clutter. Don’t ever doubt how many people’s lives you touch with this blog. Your perspective on life is so uplifting and amazing that it’s like we are all neighbors, sharing some tea and listening to stories. Between your art, garden, furbabies and lifestyle, it’s refreshing. I wish my life could go back to being simple again, but alas I must work the dreaded 9-5, take care of my family and am a slave to the television and computer. I used to escape through books and have a giant stack by my bed awaiting me. I will vow to pick one up and get through it. My daughter, my light turned 18 and will be leaving the nest soon and this makes me very sad. I’ve been trying to spend time with her doing happy things, but then I get sad afterwards. So I go to your blog to find your words, words that touch me, know me and rallies me. So thank you Vanessa for sharing and know that you are NOT ALONE! Thank you <3
I’ve loved so many of your posts – but this “click” is the best! Thank you for sharing your deepest heart – I don’t think you know how many people you’ll help by doing so…..I’m so glad you’re helping yourself too and feeling better. Brave girl – you are awesome!
Vanessa, you are an incredible person and an inspiration to us all. I am an artist who has been reading your blog for years and am a huge fan. You give of yourself totally and you help so many of us by sharing your life and thoughts and feelings and ups and down and I thank you for that. Please keep sharing and inspiring..I look so forward to your posts. And I know you will be well and stronger than ever; you are on the right track!
Hello lovely friend V.V.!!!
Truly glad you took the time to write this! I read every single word and am glad , as I started taking Biotin last week. But wont be anymore!! Glad you found out what was going on and that you feel better!!!
Praying for you and Mr. Lovee for abundant heath and much joy and
THANK YOU AGAIN mon cher!!
Love!
Constance
Oh my sweet sweet sweet little fanciful friendling, I had no idea. I’ve been off somewhere in the clouds and my toes have just now touched ground. It must have been such a frightening few months for you, but I’m glad you made the choice to seek help. Sometimes in life that’s exactly what we need to do.
I will keep you in my prayers…that’s what I do when the world closes in and all is dark and terrifying. Pray pray pray.
I Love you, sweet little sister of my heart.
xoxo, cori
Thank you for sharing. I did read every word, not just skim. What a scary time you had. I am so you found your way back to you. Sometimes we just seem to get lost out there.
I am so glad you are feeling better. You know the funny think I was just looking at some ads for vitamins and telling hubby I needed to get some for us. Uh oh, maybe we don’t really need to start that now.
I hope you continue to feel better.
I read every single word and I just want to say I love you for being so honest and real. Thanks you for reminding me to DO instead of just absorb. I will never read your blog again in the same way. I am so thankful the doctors figured out what was going on and that you are free. God bless you and lift you up every day!
You are so brave and wonderful. Thank you for sharing this. Love you!
My Dearest Dear Vanessa,
First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I read every word and wished I could be there to give you a hug, happy that you are better now, but also to re-assure you. Catching a glimpse of your own mortality is a scary thing. And you touched on many of the same points that I make to people about having health issues. For me, I can handle going back to the hospital and having leads hooked up to me and getting poked and prodded and woken up every few hours for a few days. It was my parents and My Darling Mr. V that I worried about. It brought tears to my eyes to read about Mr. Lovey sitting with you, reading the paper and your walking outside at your parents’ house so as to not upset them. It’s hard to let them see you at these times. But I know that just like my support system, which is now minus my parents, these people are here to help us through the good times and the bad, just like you are there for them. And I agree completely that being good to YOU can be the best medicine there is. Please take care of YOU, Dear Vanessa. You are very precious to so many people.
Sending hugs for healing your way,
Betty
I loved this post. Thank you so much for sharing, every bit.
oh Vanessa,
Yes, I read every word…you are not alone. Our world and environment make more and more of us sick every day. I am glad you found a doctor that will listen and help. It’s important to find someone who will look beyond the obvious and the drug companies to help you find your way.
Happy to read that you picked up your paint and are finding your way.
you have a wonderful support system and do not have to travel these roads alone.
sending you light and love!
x…x
Great post, it feels good to share those feelings, and know that you are never alone!! Also, the boys in the previous post are SOOOO handsome!!
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
This post was perfect, Vanessa. I really needed to see it. I suffer with panic disorder and major depression. My husband and I just recently seperated, and as you know we have two beautiful girls. I was beginning to dangerously fall into a downward spiral, but my girls, parents, little sister and best friend snatched me back up and gave me a shake. Your statement on “doing” hit the nail on the head. I have been slowly but surely getting back to me. My ultimate goal is simple: I want to be healthy, happy and panic free for me and my sweet babies.
Wow. Thank you SO much for opening up and sharing your incredible and vulnerable experience. I never realized something so seemingly benign like a supplement can cause such havoc in your life. I don’t take many supplements very often, but I guarantee you taught me a lesson – research and be 110% sure. I’m glad you’re feeling better and starting to make your way out of the tunnel. <3
Vanessa,
I’ve been reading your blog for years, but I have never commented. And yet you are one of the most kindred spirits I have ever known. I don’t know how to even begin to tell you what your blog has done for me.. See I fell off my path a few years ago, into a controlling and unhappy marriage that over time had me giving up everything that I ever knew and loved, and all my dear friends. I became a different person. A zombie really… I started reading your blog again about a month ago when I finally got a new laptop, and it rekindled something in me. It reminded me who I was, and it helped give me the strength to take the first step out of hell, to pack my things and leave. I find myself now in a new house, in a new city, and dealing with some substantial health problems that were greatly accelerated from the stress of the marriage. And so I kept getting chills reading this entry.. Because so much of it resonated with where I am at and how I feel. Thank you for reminding me what I need to do to find myself again. Tonight I will unpack my dusty paints… I will start dancing again. I will unpack the mess, get some furniture and create a beautiful organized space…
It takes great bravery to post such raw feelings and experiences as you did, but know that when you do, you might be saving a shy lurker’s life… Or giving them an imcportant clue in how to proceed when they are curled up on the ground and not sure how to move on. Thank you doesn’t really cover it! But THANK YOU.
Dear Vanessa,
You poor girl! I teared up when I was reading this, not just because of the horribleness that you went through, but also all that part about living life and whatnot. I am so glad that you have a place here to share. We blog friends love you and would never judge you! Because you did something scary I am going to do something scary too, at least for me. I have never said this before because often people feel strange about meeting people in person that they only know from the internet, you know because of crazies, etc. and I don’t want to impose. But I just wanted to say that if you ever want to hang out, you know like in real life, I would be totally for it. If you don’t want to because of needing internet/real life boundaries and all, I certainly won’t be offended and we can just carry on being bloggy friends which is also lovely!
Sincerely,
Alia
ps. Happy V-Day
I was re-reading what I posted and I do know that ‘Art Saves’ and it has saved me many a time, and so does blogging. I go to my ‘wonderland’ to chase away real life and refresh my dreams by traveling in blogland. What I was thinking was, there have been a couple of amazing doll makers who chose to take breaks but still maintained their blogs and broadcasted updates when new dolls were available in their shop, giving the time and date, so everybody had a chance at their creations,which they are such well known dolls makers their dolls fly off their Etsy shelves within hours or the next day. I did just mention those two doll makers in my own latest post on my blog. It is amazing to me how blogland has generated such a bond among artistic souls which could not have been possible without blogs and Etsy, and other selling sites for artists. All of the professional doll making sites, the mixed media sites, writers, illustrators, even You tube where so much can be viewed, the connections are endless and it amazes me that I find new blogs everyday which inspire that inward thirst for creativity.
You are truly blessed with your talents!
hugs, and love
Miss Teresa
Sweet and precious Vanessa, thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable by sharing what you have been going through, the frigtnening and sometimes hard-to-explain feelings you have experienced. I am so sorry for the struggles you have been facing, but so thankful that you are re-emerging, feeling better!
I GUARANTEE that a boatload of us read your words and said, “Yes, I have felt that way!” about something you shared. “And even Vanessa has felt that way, too?” Yes, shared experiences of struggles and triumph, struggles and inching back one stroke of paint at a time–they just serve to make us feel closer to you and identify with you all the more.
We all need to know that others sometimes walk down winding, scary roads. I am praying for you, dear Vanessa! It is my privilege to lift up others in prayer. Sending big hugs to my Vanessala!
Know that your triumphs over tribulations give one girl in a corner of RI, who often (but secretly) feels so unsure what to expect around the bend, a boost of courageous inspiration to face and embrace life day by day!
Vanessa, I don’t think you know how much you inspire people Having the strength to publish your fears and panicgives others the courage to face their own demons. Hang in there. Things will get better. As Mother Julian of Norwich said, ‘All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well’ Hundreds of years later these words still bring me comfort. Blessings to you . luv Lesley UK
Well Madam, sorry I am so late in commenting on this very heartfelt post. So often in this artful whimsy world we feel pressured to portray things a certain way. There are always those parading their lives as endless dreams that never have interruptions of real world nastiness. This admission makes you so REAL and relatable and genuine, and I respect you for being brave and admitting that life has been tough! It HAS been hasn’t it?! 2012 wasn’t a good year for me. Of course there is always happiness between the down times but overall, when things go flooey with your mind it is the worst feeling in the world!!! A family member was sent down the path of mental illness this Summer due to a mix up of a medication. Just like you she was a victim of something beyond her control and was then feeling feelings that weren’t natural to her. Then again just a couple of months ago I discovered a medicine I was taking was causing severe anxiety to me! I went off of it and have been better, but not perfect. I’d never had anxiety before, it’s a constantly lingering feeling in the background. How awful! I know what a panic attack feels like as well, though I only ever had one when I was very young. Most terrifying thing in the world. The fear of dying, terrible! I hope things look up for you and that the symptoms subside. When things mess with your mind it is the most helpless feeling ever.
Hi Vanessa. My best friend sent me the link to your page as she thought I would like it. And she was so right. I 100% can relate to so much you have written here. You are such an inspiration. I am always feeling like if I could just get organised then I would feel better. And please don’t worry about anyone skim reading this. I couldn’t take my eyes off it until the end. Massive love to you. And thank you for sharing. Nicola xxx PS I am also a MASSIVE Alanis Morissette fan which made me love you even more for quoting her 🙂
My dear, sweet Vanessa,
I’ve just finished reading this post and wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sharing this with us. I can understand what you went through, empathize, sympathize, the whole nine yards, cause I’ve been there. Often I find myself back there. I just wanted you to know that your honesty and bravery are very much appreciated by me.
love & blessings (always!)
~*~
laura
Oh my lovely friend, I’ve been catching up with your blog today, and as I wipe away the tears that started with Matty’s illness and now relating to every word of this post, I wish I could reach through my screen and hugs you with all I have! I’ve experienced this, from allergic reactions and not, and you are wonderful for sharing this with us. Sharing helps you and it helps others, it truly, truly does! I am so relieved you and dear Matty and your Mister are getting well with each passing day!
All my love,
~Jo
Ah, Vanessa, I am catching up after a long absence after my laptop died and I’ve just run across this post. I’m so glad you were brave enough to publish it; it’s something so many people need to hear. I’m so glad things are better now. Hugs!
Vanessa,
It is divine intervention that I could come to your February post from last year. I have been taking Biotin for about a year. The past 7-8 months I have had anxiety that seems to keep building and building. I have increased my anxiety meds and that hasn’t worked. It has actually made me feel worse. I have also noticed in the last 3 months my blood pressure has increased and I have always had perfect numbers when it comes to blood pressure. I think this post makes so much sense. I actually have a dr apt today to regroup about my medication and I am going to mention this to him. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this experience. Thank you.